


Two Lives

by xxMad_Donaxx



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Curses, Genderswap, M/M, Masturbation, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-11-05
Packaged: 2017-11-07 03:05:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 40,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders gets hit with a spell that curses him to turn female every other day. He has to learn to live as two people while searching for a cure. </p>
<p>Tags may evolve and Rating might go up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know this can be a sensitive issue. Anders will be refered to as a male throughout by me. The characters will at first refer to his female self as 'she' and 'her' at first because he's deceiving them. If I get something wrong please let me know so I can fix it. 
> 
> I started this a long time ago but didn't have anywhere to put it.

As they came to the doors of his clinic, Anders stopped and searched for his key. Behind him, Garrett Hawke heaved a sigh of frustration.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked for the hundredth time.

“Hawke,” Anders said tiredly. “I don’t know if I’m all right. I don’t know what the spell Tarohne cast did but it can’t be that bad. I’m still breathing.”

“I’m just not sure it’s wise for you to be down here by yourself,” said Hawke concerned.

“There’s nowhere for me to go Hawke. Merrill has no room, Fenris hates me, staying the night in a bar has no appeal at all, your Uncle Gamlen is creepy and I’m certainly not spending a night with Aveline in the guard barracks.” The concerned expression on his friends face tugged at his heart for a moment. “Hawke, why don’t you come round first thing, then you can see for yourself that I’m fine.”

Hawke smiled and squeezed his shoulder. “Fair enough, I’ll see you first thing then.”

Anders stepped inside the clinic and shut and locked the door. He shuffled over to the nearest cot and slumped on to it. He was very tired. Pausing long enough to kick his boots off and throw his coat on the next cot over, he curled up and fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

***

Slowly Anders opened his eyes. Something felt wrong. Lying on his back with an arm across his stomach and the other under the pillow he wiggled his toes. Normally when fully stretched out on one of these cots his feet hung slightly over the edge. They didn’t this morning. Frowning and trying to shake off the sleepy fuzz in his head, he realized there was a strange weight on his chest. He brought the hand draped across his stomach up and found what felt suspiciously like a breast in his hand. He sat bolt upright and looked down at himself in a panic. Bringing a hand down to his crotch, he let out a small scream. There was definitely something wrong. He had to find a mirror.

Untangling his legs from the blanket and the trousers he had fallen asleep in, he stood and ran across the room to his small living space. The long shirt he still wore slipped off one shoulder in his flight. The small mirror had been bought after Hawke’s first strange flirting attempt. Anders shook his hands free of the sleeves that were now too long and gripped the small mirror tightly. He saw his reflection...but not the one he was used to. There was the same reddish blonde hair hanging loosely around his face, the same sharp too long nose, the same amber eyes but in a face that was slightly rounder and fuller, completely free of the stubble he just couldn’t seem to get rid of.

“Oh…” he said. Even his voice was different, higher pitched, more feminine. The mirror fell from his nerveless fingers and shattered on the floor. He pulled on the front of his tunic and looked down at a female body.

“No,” he whimpered.

**Be at ease.**

What’s going on?

**You have been turned into a female, though I do not know how.**

You seem remarkably calm.

A banging on the door interrupted his mental conversation. Frowning he went to open the door out of habit. Hoping that no one was dying, he turned the lock and found Hawke standing in the doorway. Immediately panicked, Anders tried to slam the door but Hawke put his foot out and stopped the door from shutting. He then pushed it open gently, looking confused.

Anders started backing away from the warrior who seemed very intimidating now. Normally he looked the other man in the eye but now Anders found himself staring at the hollow of his throat. Anders looked up, up, up and found his eyes. Anders watched as Hawke’s gaze flicked down then up his new female body. He pulled the shirt back up to cover his shoulder then fisted the collar when it dipped lower, revealing a generous amount of cleavage.

“Uhhh…..I didn’t know Anders had…….company last night,” said Hawke carefully.

Slowly it dawned on Anders what this must look like. A pretty, petite female wearing a man’s tunic and nothing else certainly looked a little bad. Realizing that his smalls were entangled in his trousers back on the cot, Anders blushed furiously. He was suddenly glad that his shirts were longer than most.

“No, nothing like that,” Anders said quickly. “I came to the healer for help last night.”

**Why are you lying to him?**

I don’t think he would believe me if I told him the truth.

A skeptical look passed over Hawke’s face. He moved further into the room and shut the door behind him. Anders took a step back for every step forward Hawke made. A look of genuine concern had replaced the skepticism and Anders watched him carefully place his shield on the desk followed by his sword.

“I promise I won’t hurt you,” Hawke said in a soothing tone.

“You’re Hawke?” asked Anders trying to sound confused.

Hawke nodded and took two steps to the side, away from his weapons and keeping his hands where Anders could see them. “Did Anders tell you I’d be coming?” he asked. After Anders nodded he continued. “Do you know where he went?”

“No.”

“Why would he leave an emotionally distressed patient? That not like him at all,” Hawke said. He sounded frustrated.

Thinking quickly Anders said, “He told me not to worry…that you’d be here soon. He also said you’re trustworthy.”

“Are you a mage?” Hawke asked sounding like he already knew the answer. Hawke nodded when Anders didn’t answer. “Don’t worry. My sister is an apostate. I won’t turn you over to the Templars.” A look of pure fury passed over his face for just a second. “Has someone…hurt you?”

“T...Templars,” Anders stuttered. He watched in fascination as Hawke’s hands clenched and unclenched.

“Bastards,” Hawke whispered fiercely. After a brief pause he asked in that soothing tone, “What’s your name?”

“An…drea.”

Hawke grabbed a blanket off of the cot to his left without seeing Anders’ coat sitting on top and tossed it to him. His coat fell to the floor, hidden from view. “Wrap this around your waist. I’ll bet my sister can find something that fits you. I’m not leaving you alone here. Honestly what was the man thinking?”

Anders recognized a tone in Hawke’s voice that brooked no argument. It was the same sort of voice that he used in battle when shouting orders. Anders caught the blanket easily. He had to let go of the collar to wrap it around his waist however. Instead of his waist, Anders shook the blanket out and wrapped it around his shoulders.

“I know your probably scared Andrea, but I promise I’ll keep you safe,” Hawke said. His voice had a soothing purr to it that he had heard many times. It was the way he’d spoken to Keran last night. Hawke use this tone on many of the people he’d helped, including himself whey they had first met. “It’s just a short ways to Lowtown where I live. Stay close to me all right.”

Hawke held out his arm. Anders didn’t really want anyone else to see him like this but he didn’t know how long it would last. If there was a way to fix him, he would need help. Walking around in an overlarge shirt and nothing else didn’t appeal to him much either. So Anders stepped forward slowly into the circle of his waiting arm. Hawke smiled brightly down at him.

Anders held the blanket tightly closed as Hawke led them to the door pausing only for his sword and shield. He kept his arm around Anders as he closed the door to the clinic. Hawke stayed close even after they had entered Lowtown. They drew a few stares but Hawke glared at anyone who got too close. Anders found himself studying his friend. He was still the same caring man he’d always been but he seemed very protective, like he was with Bethany. It made him wonder if perhaps he should tell Hawke the truth. His thoughts were interrupted by their arrival at Hawke’s home.

When they stepped inside of the small apartment, Anders felt the tension in the room. Gamlen and Leandra had obviously been fighting about something just before the door opened. They had both stopped yelling abruptly the moment the door opened. Anders shifted uncomfortably as they studied him.

“Garrett?” Leandra said curiously.

Hawke shot a warning glance at Gamlen and said “She’s a patient of Anders’. He asked me to leave her with Bethany.” Hawke gestured to Gamlen, “This is my Uncle Gamlen and my mother.”

Anders nodded politely and slid closer to Hawke. Gamlen was leering and he might have found it flattering if the man wasn’t a complete creep. Bethany emerged from a doorway to the right and stepped into the room.

“Who’s this, brother?” she asked curiously.

“Her name’s Andrea. She was at the clinic when I went there to check on Anders,” Hawke said. He led Anders over to her. “This is my sister Bethany. She’ll take care of you.”

Bethany smiled and leaned forward to speak quietly with Hawke. He whispered in her ear and Bethany’s eyes went wide and she nodded. Anders shifted uncomfortably at the sorrowful look he was getting from her. Hawke squeezed his shoulder and turned to leave.

“Brother, where are you going?” Bethany asked.

“To find Anders,” he said, frustration showing in his voice. “I’m still a bit worried about him.”

The door shut behind him and Anders was left with the rest of the Hawke clan. Gamlen snorted and wandered further away from them. Anders frowned as he looked from Bethany to Leandra, feeling a little guilty for deceiving them.

“Bethany, why don’t you see if we have anything that will fit Andrea and I’ll fix us all breakfast,” Leandra said warmly.

“This way,” Bethany said with a smile. She put her arm around his shoulders and led him to the room she had entered from.

He watched from the middle of the room as Bethany searched through trunks. She stood and held a blue dress in front of her. “Here,” she said turning around. “This looks like it might fit. It’s going to be a bit long though.”

“I…umm…don’t have any small clothes either,” said Anders.

“Oh!” Bethany exclaimed. “You poor thing. We can go buy you a few things after breakfast. I’m sure you’ll feel better in some proper clothes.”

**You should tell her. This deception will only work for so long.**

Anders nodded and decided he needed to tell someone. He stepped forward and said, “Bethany…do you remember the fight with those blood mages yesterday?”

“How do you know about that?” she asked suddenly suspicious.

“Please just listen before you throw me out,” Anders pleaded. He sighed in relief when she nodded. “I got hit with a spell…that didn’t really do anything. Well, I think I know what it did now. I fell asleep as a man and woke up as a woman.”

“But that was…you’re saying that you’re Anders?” she said in shock.

“Yes,” he said looking at the floor.

“Tell me how we met,” Bethany demanded.

“You came to my clinic with Hawke and Varric,” he said quietly. “He agreed to help me…free Karl. So we met at the Chantry that night but it was a trap. Karl was Tranquil and Templars attacked us. You saw Justice and I…killed him.” The last bit was spoken in a whisper. Anders could feel the tears threatening to fall and wiped his eyes before they could. It still hurt to think of him.

“Dear Maker it is you. How did this happen?” she whispered.

“It has to be that spell,” he said miserably.

“We should tell brother, he could help us figure out a way to turn you back.”

“Please don’t. I didn’t really want to tell anyone but…I just don’t know what to do,” he said desperately.

“All right,” she said after a moment. “I’ll help any way I can.”

“Thank you Bethany,” Anders said gratefully.


	2. Chapter 2

“What are we going to do?” Anders asked finally letting the blanket fall to the floor.

“First you’re going to put this on,” Bethany said firmly holding out the dress to him. “Then we’re going to eat breakfast.” Anders nodded as he took the dress from her. “I’ll be just outside. Call if you need help.”

He moved to the side and set it down on top of a closed chest as Bethany closed the door behind her. Alone for the first time since he’d woke, Anders sighed and looked around. There was a tall mirror half hidden in one corner, propped against the wall. He pulled the sheet off carefully and pushed a crate to the side.

Anders stared at the unfamiliar reflection. His hair hadn’t changed at all. He gathered up the strands that hung around his face and gathered it into the short ponytail he normally wore. The familiar angles of his face were still there but softened. Letting go of his hair, he ran his fingers along his jaw line. It felt smooth, unfamiliar without the ever present stubble.

The shirt he wore slipped down his shoulder again when he lowered his arms. He gathered the shirt in his hands and swept it off in one smooth motion. It hung from his fist as he looked at this female body. Petite was a good description of him now. Everything had shrunk with a couple of notable exceptions. His hips were slightly wider and he turned to the side and found his arse was rounder. Facing front again, he frowned and crossed his arms over his flat stomach.

“Are you all right?” Bethany called suddenly through the door. 

“Fine,” Anders called back turning away from the mirror.

He walked back to the dress and slipped it over his head. Pushing his arms through sleeves that left his shoulders bare, he found that the end of them partially covered his hands. Anders fastened the row of small buttons that ran up the front and went to stand in front of the mirror again. The hem of the dress dragged the ground as he walked. There really wasn’t a neck to the dress at all. He could feel the fabric across his shoulder blades and the front of the dress was cut low.

“Bethany,” he called out turning to the door.

She cautiously opened the door and peered through, opening it fully when she saw that Anders had dressed. “Yes?” she asked.

“It’s too big,” he said pulling up the skirts to take a few steps toward her.

“It’s a bit loose in the waist and too long but you look fine.” Bethany asked as she stepped in and shut the door again. “You look uncomfortable, what’s wrong?”

“It’s just been a while since I’ve worn something that showed so much skin,” Anders said sheepishly. “I didn’t have quite so much to show off then either.”

He turned back around to study his reflection again. Bethany came up behind him and pulled at the fabric of the dress under his arms. Whatever she’d done made the front of the dress sit a little higher and it sat more comfortably around his chest.

“It will look better when we find you a breast band,” she said looking at his reflection. “And you might want to let your hair grow out if this lasts.”

Bethany wasn’t as tall as Hawke but the top of his head now reached just below her nose. He scowled and said, “Why am I so bloody short?”

“Don’t worry we can take in the hem,” she said smiling.

Her smile was comforting and he found himself smiling back. As strange as all of this was he felt a little better knowing that she cared. “Let’s see what your Mother has made for breakfast,” Anders said.

***

After breakfast Bethany had pinned up the hem of the skirt so he wasn’t constantly stepping on it. The first place they had gone after that was a shoe store at Anders’ insistence. How Fenris and Merrill went barefoot all the time was a mystery. His feet were sore and filthy. With his feet finally encased in a pair of soft leather boots he’d let Bethany lead him to a clothing shop.

Now wearing small clothes and a breast band underneath, he stood in front of a mirror wearing a dress that was very similar to the one Bethany had given him this morning. The main differences were the color, a soft maroon, and it actually fit. The bodice was snug but not uncomfortable and the waist made his new curves very visible.

Bethany stood off to the side watching him stare at himself in the mirror. He’d been vain once upon a spirit ago but apparently Justice hadn’t quite gotten rid of all of it. Anders couldn’t help but be pleased at his reflection in a way he hadn’t been just a few hours ago.

“Well?” Bethany asked patiently.

“I’d certainly have a second look,” he said. “But I’m not really trying to impress anyone.”

“No,” Bethany said with a knowing little smile. “But when you look good…you feel good.”

Anders smiled and said, “I guess I do feel a little better.”

“Let’s go to the Hanged Man. We can talk about…things,” she said.

“That’s…a little public,” Anders said turning to her and frowning worriedly. “Someone could overhear and besides…Varric and Isabela might be there.”

“Garrett won’t let you hide yourself away. If you’re around him for any length of time you’re bound to run into everyone sooner or later.”

“I’m not trying to hide exactly,” Anders said nervously.

“Come on then,” she said putting her arm around his shoulders. “We’ll be fine.”

Anders nodded reluctantly and she grabbed the folded dress he’d worn into shop. After Bethany had paid the shopkeeper they walked the short distance to the bar. The familiar swirl of the skirts around his legs was comforting in a strange kind of way. It felt almost normal in a situation that was anything but.

When they entered the tavern Anders looked around nervously but Isabela wasn’t at her normal spot by the bar. He followed Bethany to a table tucked away in a corner of the room. She left him to order drinks at the bar and he tried not to fidget in his seat. It was just before lunchtime and it wasn’t full yet but more people arrived in pairs or alone.

Looking around the room he noticed more than a few of the rough men that frequented the tavern staring. They were nothing like the lewd stares Isabela sometimes received. He was flattered and uncomfortable at the same time. Bethany sat next to him, putting a mug of ale in front of him.

“Relax,” she whispered leaning close to his ear.

Shadows fell over them and Anders looked up. Isabela stood with Merrill on the other side of the table. Bethany smiled and pushed out a chair with her foot.

“Hello Beth. Who’s this beauty?” Isabela asked as she pulled out another chair and sat. Merrill sat in the chair Bethany had pushed out.

“This is Andrea. Anders helped her with some Templar trouble last night and I’ve been keeping an eye on her today.” She turned to him and said “This is Isabela and Merrill.”

He nodded politely to each of them and tried to smile. Anders held in his groan when Varric descended the stairs and walked up to their table.

“I thought I heard you Sunshine,” Varric said smiling.

“Hello Varric,” Bethany said smiling.

“You must be Andrea,” Varric said turning to him. “Varric Tethras, at your service my lady.” He sketched a courtly bow. “Hawke mentioned you when he came in here this morning looking for Blondie.”

Anders frowned as he said, “What would I…he be doing in a tavern so early in the morning?”

“Oh Hawke just asked me to keep an eye out. Are you and Blondie related? You look a lot like him,” Varric said thoughtfully rubbing his chin.

“She does look a bit like him doesn’t she,” Isabela added thoughtfully.

“Really?” Merrill asked. “I don’t see it.”

“Sure she does,” Isabela said standing suddenly. She stood and moved gracefully around the table to stand behind him. He tried to turn to see what she was doing but her dark hands turned his head toward Merrill and swept his hair back away from his face.

“Now I can see the resemblance,” Merrill said cheerfully.

Anders pulled himself away and turned to glare at the pirate. She pulled out the chair next to him and sat again.

“She’s even got his glare,” Isabela smirked.

“Cousins apparently,” said Bethany suddenly. “We ran into Anders in the market.”

“He’s all right then?” Everyone turned to see Hawke, Fenris and Aveline walking up to the table. “What’s he up to anyway?”

“He wouldn’t say,” Anders said looking up at Hawke. He felt Bethany stiffen next to him. He followed her gaze to see two Templars walking in. Anders also stiffened.

“Sunshine, let’s move this party up to my room. You three go on and we’ll be along in a minute.” Varric said smoothly.

Bethany took his hand and casually climbed the stairs with Merrill following closely. Anders was trying not to panic. If the Templars caught him now he’d probably be executed. They looked so much bigger than before. As he collapsed in a chair he realized he was shaking violently and more scared than angry.

“Are you okay?” Bethany whispered in his ear.

“Not really,” he said shakily. “I’ve never been so scared of a Templar before.”

Hawke and Varric walked into the room followed by the others. Ale was set in front of him and he grabbed the glass and took a long drink. When he set it down it was half empty and everyone was seated around Varric’s large table.

“Not so fast Andrea,” said Hawke with concern. “Are you all right?”

He could feel a hand rubbing circles on his back. Anders nodded and drained the last of his ale. This was all so weird and they were all so…normal. It was comforting in a strange way, even the suspicious glare he was getting from Fenris.

“Aveline is a member of the guard if you’d like to report anything,” Hawke said.

“Wouldn’t do any good,” Anders said with a shrug. “I don’t know who they were…helmets.”

“While we wait for the Templars to leave, how about we play some cards to pass the time? Can you play Diamondback?” Varric asked.

“Yes but I’m terrible at it,” Anders said with a smile.

“Must be a family trait,” Hawke chuckled.


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the day passed him by in a blur. In Varric’s room over cards Anders had been forced to concoct a past for ‘Andrea’. He’d kept it as close to his real past as possible so it would be easy to remember. He only left out the part where he’d become a Warden and then possessed by a spirit. Bethany had been right, Hawke didn’t let him hide. After finding out that he was new to Kirkwall, Hawke had insisted on a tour and he’d spent the afternoon wandering around the familiar city.

Dinner had been spent with Hawke’s family. There had been no time to discuss this strange problem with Bethany and with night falling Anders wanted the familiar surroundings of his clinic. Bethany hugged him before he’d left with Hawke, whispering that she’d stop by in the morning. They were now walking through Darktown.

“I still think you should stay with us,” Hawke said.

“I appreciate all of your kindness but I’d rather stay at the clinic. Besides…your Uncle makes me nervous,” Anders said.

“Then I’ll stay with you until Anders gets back,” said Hawke completely undeterred.

“That’s very kind but not necessary,” Anders said with a smile. He opened the door to his clinic and Hawke followed him inside. “I’m sure he’ll be back soon.” In his thoughts he added, I hope. “I don’t want to trouble you.”

“It’s no trouble,” Hawke said smiling warmly. “There are plenty of cots and I’m sure Bethy wouldn’t mind a night to herself. You can sleep back there in his bed and I’ll be right out here.”

Anders wrapped his arms around Hawke and rested his cheek on his chest. “Thank you for everything,” he said quietly. He was sort of glad he wouldn’t be alone.

**You are never alone.**

It’s not quite the same, Justice.

“Go to sleep. You’ll be fine,” Hawke said quietly in that soothing voice.

Anders pulled the curtain closed around the small space he claimed as his own and began undressing. He stripped completely and folded the dress neatly, setting it on a crate that doubled as his closet. The small clothes and breast band were set on top. Once again wearing only a tunic, he slid under the blankets. Anders closed his eyes and fell into a troubled sleep.

***

Anders sat bolt upright in bed with a little gasp. He shook his head to try and rid himself of the darkspawn that had haunted his nightmares. After rubbing his eyes and then scrubbing at his face with his hands, he froze. He ran a hand along his jaw line and felt the scratchy stubble that had been missing yesterday. Running his other hand down his neck to feel a flat chest and continuing on to his crotch, he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh thank the Maker,” he whispered.

He dressed quickly and quietly. With his coat over his arm, he cautiously peeked out of the small room. Hawke was snoring softly on the other side of the clinic and he settled himself on the cot closest to his area. After a couple of sleepless hours Anders gave up and lit the lantern. If he was awake he might as well be productive. People started trickling in even though it was still early and Anders soon became caught up in his work. The tap on his shoulder surprised him and he turned quickly to find Hawke standing behind him.

“I didn’t hear you come in.” Hawke said. “Did you find them?”

“It was late. You were already asleep,” Anders said as he turned back to his patient and finished up what he’d been doing. “No. I didn’t find anything.”

“Is Andrea still sleeping?” Hawke asked carefully.

Anders smiled at his patient as the man thanked him and left. “Yes, and thank you for looking after my cousin yesterday…I know she’s very grateful,” he said turning back to Hawke.

“You really shouldn’t have left her alone,” said Hawke with a disapproving frown.

“I didn’t leave until I thought you’d be around soon. I wanted to see if I could find them, you know…didn’t want the trail to get cold,” Anders said.

Hawke nodded thoughtfully and they both turned to the door as Bethany stepped inside carrying a covered basket. “I’ve brought you some…breakfast,” she said. She gave Anders a puzzled questioning look. Anders shook his head slightly and shrugged his shoulders.

“Bethy you’re the best sister ever,” Hawke said happily.

“I come down here and help Anders all the time,” Bethany said smiling at her brother. “I usually bring a basket of something.”

Hawke dug through the basket and tossed Anders a muffin. Bethany plucked another one out of the basket as she came to stand next to Anders.

“What happened?” she whispered.

“I don’t know,” Anders answered quietly. “It was just like the other night only in reverse.”

“Is it going to happen again tonight?” Bethany asked softly as she brought the muffin to her mouth.

“I guess we’ll find that out tonight,” he said flatly.

Hawke gave them a look that was curious and concerned, but said nothing. He took a muffin and all three ate in companionable silence. After he’d finished, Anders brushed the crumbs off of his hands.

“Thank you,” said Anders smiling. “That was wonderful.”

“You can keep the rest,” Bethany said smiling. “Come along brother, Mother wanted to speak with you.”

“Are you and Andrea going to be here all day?” Hawke asked curiously.

“Yes, we’ll be here all day. Don’t worry Hawke, we’ll be fine.”

“If either of you need anything let me know,” Hawke said placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I will, and thank you again.”

After they left Anders had no time to think about the previous day. Patients suddenly started pouring in. There had been a collapse in one of the tunnels and Anders healed until he was completely exhausted. When the last person left it was well after nightfall. He finally put out the lantern and locked the doors, barely able to put one foot in front of the other. Stumbling to his cot, he pulled off his boots and set them next to the smaller pair he’d worn yesterday. He hung his coat on a peg he’d put in the wall and was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.

***

In the morning Anders stretched his arms and yawned. His sleep had been unbroken by nightmares and he felt completely rested. He cautiously opened his eyes and peered down the length of his body. It had happened again. While he slept, his male body had turned female.

“Well,” he told the empty room. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Anders dressed quickly and paused before grabbing his staff on the way out. He wasn’t sure he could use the long staff properly at his current height. Shaking his head he left it resting against the wall and left the clinic. After he’d locked the doors and started down the stairs he saw Hawke walking towards him.

“Hawke, what brings you down here?” Anders asked catching his arm. Hawke turned and walked along slowly with him. 

“Two things actually,” Hawke said smiling. “I wanted to see how you’re doing and to ask if Anders wants to come with me today.”

“You probably shouldn’t disturb Anders. He had a rough day yesterday. There was a collapse in one of the tunnels and I convinced him to stay in and rest,” Anders said seriously.

Hawke chuckled. “You must have a silver tongue. That puts a kink into my plans though. I could use a healer.”

Most of the coin Anders had came from following Hawke on his little adventures. It didn’t matter what gender his body was, his magic would work the same. Hawke would still have the healer he needed and he would get the coin he needed to survive. Besides, Anders always found it hard to tell him no.

“How about I tag along instead? I am a spirit healer too,” he suggested after a few moments.

“Are you sure?” Hawke asked. “Trouble seems to follow me around.”

The concern Anders could hear in his voice was flattering and insulting at the same time. “I am a circle trained mage and a damned good healer,” Anders said irritably. 

**Does he wish to coddle you because of the female body?**

Probably.

“I’m sorry,” Hawke said sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just you’re so sweet and innocent looking. It’s hard to picture you raining death and destruction upon the unwary.”

Anders raised an eyebrow. Sweet? He thinks I’m sweet? Is the man flirting with me, he thought.

**He has shown romantic interest in your male form.**

True.

Anders smiled brightly and said, “Well that’s what the mages do isn’t it? And if we’re lucky, we have big strong men like you to keep the sharp pointy things away from us.”

“Well my Lady, I shall strive to meet your expectations,” Hawke said, also smiling.

**Should you be encouraging him?**

I…just wanted to see if he really was flirting. That’s all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter needed a lot of work. I really do like Fenris and I don't plan on making him into a bad guy here. It makes sense that he would be suspicious of yet another mage and would notice things that the others don't.

Anders walked beside Hawke and they spoke of inconsequential things. They continued on to Lowtown and then up the stairs to Hightown. When Hawke led them past the Viscount’s Keep towards the Chantry it felt as if his stomach fell to his shoes. Of all the misfits Hawke had gathered there was only one who lived in this direction.

A certain mage hating elf who’d called him a viper after he’d helped clear out the mansion he now squatted in. Hawke had defended him then and he was sure would defend him again but Fenris had told Hawke that he would watch the mages. What things had he seen in ‘Anders’ that ‘Andrea’ would also do? Fenris was close to the top on his list of people to avoid.

“Where are we going?” Anders asked trying to sound innocent. Hawke turned to look at him with a slightly concerned look on his face. Anders knew he hadn’t quite succeeded.

“I’d like another warrior with us,” said Hawke. “Were going to see if Fenris is busy.”

“I don’t think he likes me much,” Anders said as he followed Hawke up the stairs.

“He probably doesn’t,” Hawke said evenly. “Fenris has never done anything to Anders or Merrill though so I wouldn’t worry too much.”

You’re not a mage, he thought sullenly. Anders followed him anyway but hung back when they reached Fenris’ door. Hawke knocked on the door then turned to him and smiled sheepishly.

“It’s not very clean in here,” he said. “I don’t imagine you’re very squeamish, being a healer, but there are bodies in the corner. Just try not to look.”

Anders smiled back nervously and said nothing. He followed Hawke through the door like he had every other time he’d been brought here. No matter how many times Anders saw the squalor Fenris lived in it never failed to disgust him. There were mushrooms growing out of the rug on the floor, bodies that didn’t seem to be decaying against the wall and a general messiness that made him wrinkle his nose and frown.

“I’ve seen Anders make that exact face,” Hawke said, clearly amused as he led them up the stairs at the back of the room.

“And I thought Darktown was bad,” he said letting his true feelings for this whole nasty house show for the first time.

“Shh,” Hawke said quietly. “He’ll be in here, just stay close. You’ll be all right.”

Fenris was indeed here, sitting on a couch that was sitting at an odd angle away from the wall. He didn’t rise, just looked up at Hawke then over to Anders. Frowning, he stood and looked back to Hawke.

“Hawke,” Fenris said.

“Hello Fenris,” Hawke said cheerfully. “Are you up for some adventure?”

“I have nothing else planned,” he said. Fenris’ frown deepened as he looked to Anders again. “Will she be joining us?”

“She’s a healer and Anders is busy,” Hawke replied evenly.

“Where is your weapon mage?” Fenris asked.

“I lost it,” he said shortly crossing his arms under his bosom.

“What use will you be without a weapon?” Fenris sneered.

“A mage doesn’t need a staff to cast spells,” Anders said angrily. “You…”

**Hold!**

Anders snapped his mouth shut. Why?

**If you insist on this deception then you must not reveal knowledge that the female should not have. No one has told your female self that the lyrium elf is from Tevinter.**

“We can find her a staff later Fenris,” Hawke said diplomatically when Anders had stopped speaking. “You know she doesn’t need a staff to be useful.”

Hawke gave him a sympathetic look as Fenris brushed by without another word. Hawke turned to follow and he stood there for a few moments glaring at them before he followed. They spoke while he hung back. Justice was right of course. ‘Andrea’ didn’t even know that the tattoos were lyrium. Keeping the others from discovering his secret would be harder than he realized.

After picking up Isabela from the Hanged Man they had gone to speak to her friend Martin. That had led them to the docks and eventually to a warehouse where his goods were being stored. The battles were a bit difficult for Anders because he couldn’t let them get close to him. He definitely needed a staff that he knew he could use properly if he went adventuring with Hawke very much as a woman.

Fenris had watched him more than usual. Anders scowled at him every time he caught the elf staring at him. During the last fight with the raiders inside the warehouse Anders had had to heal Fenris a couple of times. When the fighting was done Fenris calmly walked up to him. He crossed his arms under his bosom and looked up at the tall elf, waiting patiently for him to speak.

“There is something very familiar about your magic,” said Fenris with a suspicious look on his face.

“What?” asked Anders, suddenly confused. “How can my magic be familiar?”

“The markings are pure lyrium,” Fenris smirked. “Every spell you cast on me feels different than the same spell would from another mage. Your magic is familiar.”

Anders frowned and stepped back from Fenris who loomed above him, smirking. He ran into something hard and looked behind him. Hawke stood there and he rested his hands on Anders’ bare shoulders. His hands were warm and callused.

“What difference does that make Fenris,” Hawke said.

“She is deceiving you Hawke. There is something is not right about this…woman,” Fenris said seriously, still staring at Anders.

Anders shuddered and moved closer to Hawke as Fenris continued to stare. Hawke rubbed his arms. “We all have secrets Fenris,” said Hawke firmly.

“I will be watching,” Fenris said calmly before walking away from them.

“I don’t like him,” Anders said quietly.

“My, my…look at you two getting cozy,” Isabela quipped, as she sauntered up to them.

“I’m free to be cozy with whomever I please,” Anders said scowling.

“Not now Isabela,” Hawke sighed. “Let’s just find that cargo.”

It didn’t take long to find the cargo Martin had lost. Hawke was irritated that he hadn’t been told it was poison. He needed the coin badly if he was going to gather enough for the Deep Roads though. As they walked back to the Hanged Man Anders stayed as far away from Fenris as he could get. They arrived at the Hanged Man to tell Martin the whereabouts of his poisonous cargo and Anders spotted Bethany in Varric’s room.

“Hawke, I’m just going to be in here. I need to speak with your sister,” he said remembering why he’d actually left the clinic this morning.

Hawke nodded and walked to the left with Isabela and Fenris at his side. Anders stepped into Varric’s room and cleared his throat to get their attention. They both looked at him and Bethany’s face fell.

“Hello Andrea. What brings you here?” Varric asked.

“No nickname?” Anders said smiling. “I was sort of looking forward to see what you’d come up with.”

“Haven’t thought of a good one yet,” Varric said sullenly. “You look like a Blondie but…that one’s taken.”

Anders wasn’t sure if it was good or bad that Varric had thought of the same nickname for ‘Andrea’ that he had for ‘Anders’. Still smiling he said, “I look forward to seeing what you do come up with. I was wondering if I could talk with Bethany for a bit.”

“She’s all yours,” Varric said cheerfully.

Anders grabbed Bethany’s hand, nodded to Varric and led her to the common room. They sat in a secluded area and he looked around for anyone listening before he started talking. “It’s happened again,” he said miserably.

“I’m so sorry,” she said sympathetically. “What can we do?”

“We need to research and find the spell that blighted blood mage cast. If this keeps happening, and I think it will. I’m going to need more than one dress,” Anders said. After a moment he added, “And a shorter staff.”

“Where should we start looking?” Bethany asked.

“Book stores, the Chantry library…maybe that creepy place in Darktown,” said Anders thoughtfully. “We should go back to their hideout first.”

Hawke walked up to their table and Anders fell silent. He sat in a chair and tossed a coin pouch on the table in front of Anders. “Your share of the spoils,” he said. “Hello Beth, would you like to come shopping with us?”

“Shopping?” Anders asked.

“We need to find you a new staff,” Hawke said seriously.

“Did you take…her with you today?” Bethany asked curiously.

“Yes,” Hawke said patting his hand. “She’s just as good with her spells as Anders is.”

Anders smiled and stood up, pulling his hand away reluctantly. “Shall we go then? I can use this to buy more clothes.”

The first place they stopped at was The Black Emporium, that creepy place in Darktown. Hawke and Anders looked over the staves while Bethany thumbed through the books. When they found a staff that Anders didn’t have any trouble with Bethany had skimmed half the spell books. She shook her head sadly at Anders’ questioning look.

Next they went to the clothing shop Bethany had taken him to before. With Bethany’s help and the coin he made Anders managed to buy four more dresses and more underclothes. When they exited the shop Hawke was waiting for them outside. He took some of the packages from Anders and invited him to dinner. It took a promise of some to take back to the clinic for Anders before he finally agreed.


	5. Chapter 5

Leandra smiled, Gamlen leered and Anders was decidedly uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to these family things. Sitting between Hawke and Bethany, Anders tried not to draw attention to himself by eating too quickly or too much. Most of those sitting at the table didn’t know he was still a Grey Warden.

They spoke pleasantly and included him every chance they had, except for Gamlen. Nothing about him was pleasant. Hawke’s mother asked him how he’d come to Kirkwall and he repeated the story he’d told the others. That had taken up most of dinner, thankfully, and Leandra and Gamlen cleared away the dishes after a covered plate had been put together for him to take home.

He still sat between the Hawke siblings when Hawke asked, “What are you doing tomorrow?”

Anders looked over at him trying to keep from panicking. He would probably be male tomorrow and that would make it a little hard for Hawke to do anything with ‘Andrea’. Thinking quickly he smiled and said, “I was going to stay at the clinic tomorrow but Anders said there was something he wanted to speak to you about.”

“Did he say what?” Hawke asked managing to look disappointed and curious at the same time.

“No, just told me to ask you to stop by in the morning,” Anders said apologetically. “I’m glad you reminded me.”

“I should get you back to the clinic,” Hawke said as he stood. “It’s getting dark.” He offered Anders a hand.

“You really don’t have to walk me. I’ll be fine,” Anders said taking his hand.

“Not in Darktown,” Hawke said helping Anders to his feet. “The place is full of thieves and cutthroats. They leave Anders alone because he’s their healer. If you stay and help at the clinic for a while you might gain some of that protection but until then you’re just another beautiful woman to take advantage of. Besides, you’re going to need help with these packages.”

“I guess I’ll have a wonderful escort then,” said Anders. He was sure he was blushing.

**You should stop this. It will only hurt him.**

Anders ignored the spirit and Bethany’s quirked up eyebrow.

***

The next morning, just as he expected, Anders woke as a man once more. He dressed quickly and stepped out of the door of his clinic. Anders locked it and left in a hurry hoping to catch Hawke before he could see that the clinic wasn’t open. He was at the bottom of the stairs leading to the clinic when Hawke rounded the corner. 

“Hello Hawke, I was just coming to find you,” he said cheerily.

“Glad to see you’re feeling better,” Hawke smiled. “Andrea said you wanted to speak to me?”

“I just needed some rest,” Anders said. “I have a favor to ask.”

“What do you need?” Hawke asked seriously.

Anders put his arm around Hawke’s shoulders and led him away from the unlit lantern of his clinic. “I was hoping you could take me back to that Blood Mage hideout.”

Hawke looked happy for a moment at the arm around his shoulders but it turned to concern quickly. “Why?”

“I’ve been thinking about that spell lately,” he said. “I’d like to go back and see if we can find something.”

“Are you all right?” Hawke asked.

“I’m fine, I just thought we could look for a spell book…you know find something about that spell. Maybe figure out what it was supposed to do.”

“That’s a good idea,” Hawke said thoughtfully.

**Must you persist in this deception? Tell him.**

Anders gave the spirit a mental scowl and smiled at Hawke. “Can we bring Bethany and Varric?”

They stepped into the lift and Hawke got it moving. “Also a good idea, they know sort of what we’re looking for,” he said.

Anders pulled up the gate to the lift and stepped into Lowtown. They weren’t far from the little hovel Hawke lived in with his uncle. “I’ll get Bethany and you can go get Varric. We’ll meet back at the lift,” Anders said.

Hawke gave him an unreadable look but nodded and hurried off in the direction of the Hanged Man. Anders continued on to Gamlen’s hovel, hoping he wouldn’t have to speak with the man. He climbed the stairs and knocked on the door. Thankfully Bethany answered. Anders smiled and shrugged at her disappointed look.

She turned around and took her staff by the door and yelled “I’m going out Mother.” Anders stepped back and allowed her to step out. After she had closed the door he turned and sat on the steps, resting his elbows on his knees. She sat next to him and rubbed his back. “It looks like you were right. It has to be that spell or curse or whatever it was. You’ve changed genders every day since.”

“Hawke is going to take us to there today,” he said quietly. “It’s my best chance to find out something. I don’t know what I’m going to do if we don’t.”

“Keep going. The refugees still need your help and so do the mages,” she said firmly. “There are still other places to look for a cure.”

“Not sure what I can do for the mages like this,” Anders said miserably. “I can’t go out at night. Especially when I change from female to male…Aveline would have to arrest me.”

Bethany giggled and stifled it at his reproachful look. “I’m sorry,” she said. “At least we sort of know what we’re looking for.”

Anders stood and started down the steps. “Come on, we’re to meet by the lift.”

Hawke led them through the hideout but it had been thoroughly searched the first time they’d been here. They had looked in every nook and searched every crate but this time Anders and Bethany read through every piece of parchment they found. Their search had turned up nothing and there was only the last room left to go through.

They were all in different areas when Varric said, “Over here. I found a hidden door.”

Varric had the door opened by the time the rest of them had joined him. Anders looked around the small area excitedly. There was a small library in what appeared to be an office area. He and Bethany hurried back to the bookcase while Hawke went through the desk with Varric. As Anders looked over the titles on the spines he frowned. They appeared to be mostly history with some demonology.

Bethany began making a pile of the books on demonology while Anders pulled the few that looked like they might contain something useful. Anders turned when he heard Varric whistle through his teeth. Hawke and Varric were both leaning on the desk reading something on the top.

“What have you found?” Bethany asked curiously.

“She wrote six books…containing everything she knew,” Hawke said ominously. “Scattered around Kirkwall.”

“We have to find those books,” Anders said. “If any fell into the wrong hands…”

“They must be destroyed. What she was doing was too dangerous to let anyone else try to recreate it,” said Hawke firmly.

Normally Anders would have agreed instantly. He still thought they needed to be destroyed but they were also his best chance of reversing the curse Tarohne had cast on him. Completely torn, he said nothing. Bethany turned back to the pile of books she had made and set them on fire.

Holding the three books that might reveal something he said, “Let’s get out of here.”

The rest of the day was blessedly uneventful. Bethany had taken one of the books and went home to research. Anders did much the same thing, reading in between patients at his clinic. It was long after dark when he finally blew out the lanterns and locked the door. Pausing only long enough to extinguish the candle he’d been reading by, Anders pulled his boots off, dropped onto his cot and fell asleep almost immediately.

When Anders opened his eyes the next morning he sighed and untangled himself from the clothes he’d fallen asleep in that were now too big. He dressed quickly and went to light the lantern, having decided to stay at the clinic. The refugees did need him, despite his current problem, and he could continue looking through the other two books they had found yesterday. He could still heal the sick no matter what gender he appeared to be.

The next few days were spent in a semblance of normalcy. He was slowly getting used to spending half of his time as a female and waking up was no longer something he dreaded. The books they had found contained nothing useful so Anders had let Hawke sell them to the Black Emporium.

It didn’t take long for his patients to warm up to this stranger. ‘She’ was just as kind and caring as ‘he’ was and word spread fast in Darktown. Hawke often brought him lunch and despite Justice’s disapproval Anders continued flirting with him when he appeared female.

He was a little worried about tonight, it was card night. Anders wasn’t sure just how this little get-together started but he didn't know if he would be welcomed as ‘Andrea’. He didn’t really want to miss it though. It was the one fun thing that he had allowed himself since meeting Hawke. After the disappointment of not finding anything useful in the books and having no leads on where the others might be, Anders definitely needed some fun. Anders had been agonizing over the decision all day when it was taken out of his hands. Hawke and Bethany had entered the clinic.


	6. Chapter 6

Anders smiled as he said, “Hello. What are you two up to?”

“Bethany found a book for Anders,” Hawke said looking around the dusty, empty clinic. “Where is he?”

“There was an emergency. Said not to wait up for him,” Anders said. “What sort of book?” he added without trying to sound excited.

“Just a book on curses,” Bethany said walking forward and holding it out to him.

Anders flipped through it quickly as Hawke moved to stand beside him. “So you’re going to stay and help Anders?” Hawke asked casually.

Anders frowned and sat on one of the cots, resting the book on his lap. “There’s nowhere else for me to go,” he said flatly.

Bethany sat next to him and Hawke sat on his other side. Hawke put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Because Hawke wasn’t wearing his armor, Anders found himself pressed against Hawke’s side. He felt firm muscles underneath the soft cotton of his shirt. Anders didn’t think he’d ever been this close to him, their hips resting together, thighs touching slightly and his arm against Hawke’s side. It was impossible to deny the arousal he felt, even in this unfamiliar female body. 

“Kirkwall’s not so bad,” Hawke said warmly. “You stick with us and we’ll keep you out of the Gallows.”

He looked up and into Hawke’s brown eyes. There were so many things he could do. Stretch up for a kiss, sit in his lap, rest a hand on his thigh, wrap his arm around his waist, but what he did was rest his head on Hawke’s chest and burrow into his embrace. It was more than the physical desire that pooled low in his belly. 

Anders had known that flirting with Hawke was a bad idea. He was an abomination and now only the Maker knew just what he was. A relationship was a terrible idea and was probably an even worse one now but he wanted it. A favor for a favor he’d said, and Hawke had agreed without even hearing what he had wanted. And after, when Karl was dead and they were safely in the clinic, Hawke knew but didn’t care. That first awkward flirt…Anders knew from that moment he’d been lost. After this…Hawke had done it again. He helped a complete stranger, a mage, expecting nothing in return this time. And he was lying to him. Guilt flooded Anders.

**Do you truly care for him?**

Yes…

**Tell him the truth. It is wrong to deceive him.**

“Hawke…I…need to tell you something,” Anders said softly. He stood and turned to face him and said, “Do you remember Tarohne?”

“Of course,” Hawke said in confusion. “Is this about that strange spell she cast on Anders?”

“Me…that spell she cast on me. My body turns female every other day,” said Anders as he watched his eyes grow wide and his mouth hang open in shock. “I’m Anders.”

Hawke looked at Bethany beside him and his mouth shut with a click. She simply nodded at his unasked question. “How long have you known?” he finally said to her in a shaky voice.

“From the beginning,” she answered quietly.

“Don’t be mad at Beth, Hawke. She kept it secret…because I asked her to,” Anders said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” said Hawke as he turned his gaze back to Anders.

Anders couldn’t stand the hurt he saw and turned away. “How could I?” he said miserably. “I was frightened…confused…used to hiding and running. I’m still scared Hawke. More scared than I ever was in the tower. If any magic hating idiot catches me I’ll be put to the sword, no questions asked.”

He stood in the middle of his clinic, shaking from emotion and fighting tears. Suddenly he felt Hawke’s hands on his shoulders, warm, sword callused and gentle. “Did you confide in Bethany because she’s a mage or because she’s a woman?” Hawke asked softly.

“I…don’t know,” Anders said in confusion. He could detect no anger or even hurt in his voice. It was that soothing purr and Anders found himself relaxing just a bit. “Maybe both.”

“This explains so much,” said Hawke. “You’ve been looking for a way to reverse the spell with these books. What have you found out Bethy?”

“Nothing yet Garrett,” she said. “If we could find those books Tarohne wrote then it might be a little easier.”

“You know,” Hawke said quietly after a short pause. His fingers began kneading tension out of Anders’ shoulders. “I have always cared for Anders. Sometimes I wonder if maybe…I’m in love. Then here comes Andrea…and I start having the same sort of feelings for her. I’ve been sort of disgusted with myself.” Hawke chuckled and Anders leaned back against him. “Here I am, a decisive man of action, and I can’t figure out which of you I like better. You have just solved one of my problems.” He gave a short amused laugh. “I don’t have to feel bad about loving both of you if you’re the same person.”

“Hawke…I don’t think…” Anders started. 

“Don’t you dare keep pushing me away Anders,” Hawke interrupted firmly. “I don’t care about Justice…I never have. I don’t know if you return the same feelings…but I know you feel something.”

Anders didn’t know how to respond. He did care for Hawke, he did want more but it was just so unwise. So he closed his eyes and continued to lean on him. Hawke’s hands moved to embrace him around the shoulders.

“It’s all right if you need some time,” Hawke whispered in his ear. “Just don’t push me away. We’ll figure out a way to fix this…I promise.”

“We should get to the Hanged Man,” Bethany said after a few moments of silence.

“That’s a good idea Beth. There’s nothing like drowning your worries in terrible whisky for a while. Come on you two,” said Hawke. He released Anders and grabbed his hand while he offered the other to Bethany. When he looked, Hawke was smiling. Anders couldn’t help but smile too.

Hawke pulled Bethany to her feet and they made their way to the door. He put out the lantern as he passed and paused long enough to let Anders lock the door. As they walked Anders squeezed Hawke’s hand and smiled when he looked at him. It meant a lot that Hawke hadn’t stormed out or wasn’t even angry with him. His confession was only a little surprising but Anders was glad that Hawke would give him some time to sort out his feelings.

Anders noticed the sun sat just above the horizon when they passed through the muck of Darktown and into Lowtown. He had a few hours before he needed to get back to the safety of his clinic. He was nervous for many reasons as they made their way through the hexes to the Hanged Man. Anders was here to relax so he tried not to look nervous at least.

Hawke pushed open the doors and they were greeted with the familiar babble of many voices. There were a few whistles as they made their way through the throng to the stairs but it was impossible to know just who was being whistled at. He followed Hawke up the stairs to Varric’s private rooms. They were the last to arrive. Hawke took his seat at the end of the table opposite Varric and Bethany sat to his right. Anders stood in the doorway for a moment before forcing himself to step through. He’d been here many times before with the same people talking and laughing.

“Hi,” Anders said nervously. He noticed that their chatter had stopped and they were all looking at him.

“No Blondie tonight huh?” asked Varric. 

“There was an emergency. We brought Andrea instead. Thought she could use some air,” Hawke said cheerfully. Anders noticed that there was no hesitation on the name he used. “Come in and sit.”

Isabela pushed out the chair he normally sat in, between her and Merrill, and he hurried to the chair and sat. Unfortunately it was right across from Fenris. He avoided the elf’s gaze as much as possible. Hawke left and Varric shuffled as talking resumed. When Hawke came in he passed out mugs of the awful ale. Cards were dealt and the night went on much like they always did. Isabela cheated, Fenris and Varric won, Merrill babbled on in her charming way, and he lost. Conversation drifted as it always did but he was included in them. 

He glanced at Hawke frequently. He wasn’t always looking back but when he was there was always a smile. Slowly Anders began to relax but he found it hard to relax completely with Fenris’ constant watching. The cards were gathered after the last round and he tensed as Fenris spoke.

“Where did you learn to play?” he asked Anders. “Your tells are the same as his.”

“The Circle in Ferelden,” Anders said as he stood. “I think I should get back.”

“Yes,” Hawke said as he put his cards down and stood as well. He watched Fenris, a neutral expression on his face. “I’ll walk you home.” Hawke turned his gaze to Aveline. “Will you make sure Bethany gets home all right Aveline?”

Anders frowned at Fenris’ smirk and pushed his chair in. Aveline nodded as he said, “I’ll see you all later.” 

Without waiting for anyone to respond, he turned and walked quickly out. Anders heard Hawke following behind him and when they left the Hanged Man he moved to walk beside him. It was a short but quiet walk back to his clinic. While they walked Anders cursed to himself inside. He should have known Fenris would be watching him. 

There were so many little things that he didn’t know he did. It would be impossible to change every one of those little things. He was the same person inside no matter what his gender appeared to be. Fenris had promised to watch Hawke’s mage companions but Anders had no idea he watched so closely. Anders really needed to stay away from the broody elf.

When they arrived at his clinic Hawke followed him inside. “I’ll keep Fenris away as much as possible,” Hawke said.

Anders turned to face him and there was very little space between them. “Thank you,” he said gratefully. “For keeping this a secret…and for understanding.”

Hawke smiled and said cheerfully, “My father was an apostate. I was raised keeping important secrets.”

He closed the small distance between them and embraced Hawke, resting his head on his chest. Anders smiled when he felt Hawke’s arms around him as well. “About earlier…,” he said quietly. “I do care about you but…”

“Maybe it’s not the best idea?” Hawke finished when Anders paused. 

“It’s just…dangerous,” Anders said stepping back. “I’m the same person inside but with things the way they are…I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his loose hair in frustration.

“It’s all right Anders,” Hawke said gently. “Take your time, figure things out.” He bent slightly and lifted Anders chin with a finger. “I can be persistent though.” He leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. It was done before Anders could react and after a moment Hawke smiled as he turned to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said as he opened the door, waved and shut it behind him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, even though his body is only female half the time, he discovers that the female body does everything a female body should. I've tried not to go into too much detail because, well...yuck. Periods are unfortunately a fact of life.

Anders touched his lips lightly and wondered at the aching he felt where his legs met the rest of his body. He locked the door after a moment and turned to ready himself for bed, undressing mechanically until he pulled his nightshirt over his head. The collar slipped down over one shoulder, as it always did when his body was female, and lay on the cot.

He touched his lips again and wondered what it would feel like to have Hawke’s lips trailing kisses down his neck or his hands touching more intimate places. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d wondered such things but it was the first time it happened when his body was female. If he were normal, he would just wank and then go to sleep.

So what’s stopping you Anders, he thought.

Slowly, the hand that rested on his stomach pulled up the night shirt until it was bunched at his waist. The hand at his lips trailed down to his chest until his fingers brushed against a hard nipple. As one set of fingers pinched he shivered and ran his other hand down to the blonde curls at his crotch. He paused a moment before pushing a finger between the lips there to the slick surface beyond. Pushing his finger inside, he shivered again as he pressed deeper, and again when he slid his finger up to find that little nub of flesh he’d driven many women crazy with. Anders clenched his teeth and pressed his lips together as he pushed and circled his pearl with his slick finger. It was unlike anything he’d ever felt before and it didn’t take long for the new and unfamiliar sensations to overwhelm him. He rolled to his side and tried to curl into a ball as the tension released all at once.

Anders sighed as he pulled his hand away and tugged down the night shirt. Sleep came quickly and if he dreamed that night, he didn’t remember it when he woke the next morning.

***

Life fell into a comfortable pattern. Searching with Bethany, healing at the clinic, reading in whatever spare time he had and running errands with Hawke. He slowly became more comfortable with his female body and it almost seemed normal after a while.

The search was turning up nothing. He was frustrated and he thought Bethany was too. Hawke, when he wasn’t busy earning money for the expedition, looked for the books Tarohne had written. So far his search had been fruitless as well. Hawke continued to flirt with ‘Andrea’ and Anders continued to flirt back against his better judgment. If Hawke was frustrated with his lack of progress in that area he hid it well. 

One morning about a month after he’d been cursed, Anders woke in his female body to the worst pain in his abdomen. He was supposed to meet Bethany so they could search another section of the Chantry library but he didn’t really want to move. He curled up on his side, his arms around his aching gut and wished it would go away.

“Andraste’s knickers,” he muttered to the empty room.

Instead of getting up he stayed on the cot, arms wrapped around his middle and curled into a ball. Just how long he stayed like that was unclear but he heard the door open and shut eventually. Since he knew the door was locked, it had either been picked by Varric or Isabela or Bethany had used the key he’d given her.

“Anders?” Bethany called out.

“Back here,” Anders replied miserably. Judging from the look on her face, Anders must have been quite a sight. Concern etched her features and she knelt by the cot.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I think I’m dying. How do you put up with this every month,” he whined.

A puzzled look settled on her face and she asked curiously, “Put up with what?”

“Beth, my body is currently female,” Anders said patiently. “It’s doing normal female…things.” Realization lit her features and Bethany began laughing. Anders scowled up at her. “It’s not funny. My back hurts and my insides are tying themselves in knots.”

Still laughing she sat back on her heels and said, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not very convincing when you’re still laughing,” he said petulantly.

“It’s just that, I don’t really think of you as female. I never thought about this.”

“I didn’t either. It brings up all sorts of disturbing questions. I just want it to go away.”

“Five or six days,” she said with a smile. 

“I wonder how this is going to work tomorrow,” Anders said miserably. “It might be more like ten or twelve.”

“I guess we’ll find that out tomorrow,” Bethany replied with a shrug. “Come on, you can’t spend the day in bed, we have work to do.” An hour later Anders was bathed, dressed and bullied out the door of his clinic. “Life doesn’t stop for your monthlies. You might as well get used to it,” she’d told him.

The walk to the Chantry took longer than normal. Anders refused to hurry and walked slower trying to avoid making the slight backache worse. Anders walked the whole way with an arm pressed to his midsection. He was miserable, grumpy and his temper was short. On top of all this, being in the Chantry always made him nervous.

Hours later Anders was absorbed in a tome describing various old magic spells and still clutching his middle. Bethany was equally absorbed in the book she was skimming through. When they heard Hawke’s voice they both looked up startled.

“There you are, Beth,” he said. “You missed lunch and Mother is getting worried.”

“I’m sorry brother. I guess we lost track of the time,” Bethany said apologetically.

“Well how about you both call it quits for today and come have some dinner.”

“That sounds wonderful actually,” said Anders. He closed the book and rose to his feet and winced at the sudden renewal of pain. Becoming interested in the books had allowed him to almost forget. “Andraste’s ass,” he muttered quietly.

Ignoring Hawke’s confused look he gathered up the books and took them to the desk so an attendant could file them. When he turned and walked back to the Hawke siblings he saw Bethany whispering to Hawke. His face turned bright red and somehow looked relieved and embarrassed at the same time. Anders crossed his arms under his bosom in annoyance. He stalked past the Hawke siblings without saying anything. Wisely, Hawke also said nothing and simply followed with a smirking Bethany trailing behind.

After a short dinner with Hawke and Bethany, Anders was back in his clinic looking through one of the books they’d found in the Black Emporium. When he was too tired to read anymore he retired to his cot. Anders was finding it hard to go to sleep, however. He just couldn’t get comfortable. If the cramps didn’t plague him then his lower back did and he spent quite a bit of time tossing and turning. This was how he was awake for the first time when he changed.

One moment Anders was rolling around on the cot trying to get comfortable and the next moment the pain simply vanished. There was no warning, no flash of light, no painful transformation. One second his body was female and the next it was male. He sighed in relief and fell asleep immediately.

The next day, Anders felt fine. He went with Hawke to the Wounded Coast on an errand that had them killing Qunari outcasts. After an interesting conversation with the Arishok, Anders went back to his clinic. He healed and studied the books they had found, went to bed and woke up the next morning to find the cramps gone but with a slightly achy back. He spent most of that day in his clinic, trying not snap at his patients.

It went on like this for the six days Bethany predicted. He was getting tired of washing his sheets every other day. Anders had taken to sleeping in nothing but his nightshirt or nothing at all. Normally it wasn’t a problem but waking up a bloody mess every other morning was highly annoying. He had tried staying awake long enough for the change to occur but most of the time he was just so tired that he couldn’t do it. Even though he still hadn’t come up with a solution when the flow stopped, he was infinitely glad it did. Anders hoped that they could find something that would help before it happened again but he didn’t have much hope on that…he just wasn’t that lucky.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait. I got to the end of what I already had written and had to start fresh. I've been sort of distracted by my other stories. This chapter and everything beyond is new and there might be some time between chapters.

A few days later found them on the Wounded Coast again. Anders found himself cursing his weaker female body. Somehow he’d managed to get himself stuck in a cul-de-sac with two thugs hounding him. One of them wielded a giant axe and the other a pair of daggers. He unleashed a Mind Blast that stunned the dagger thug but the other shook it off. Normally he’d use his staff to knock the other senseless and push past him. All he seemed to be doing now was making him mad.

“A little help!” he yelled knocking the axe away with his staff. Anders took a step backwards and promptly fell on his arse when the ground wasn’t where it should have been. He scrambled backwards, through the bushes he’d fallen into and found himself in a cave he hadn’t known was there.

The axe man had followed him weapon raised for the killing blow, and from his seated position on the ground he sent a hasty ice ball flying towards him. The thug froze mid-swing and Anders scooted backward a few more feet before standing. Anders heard Hawke’s guttural battle roar and turned just in time to save his unprotected face. As it was, frozen chunks of gore thumped against his back and shoulders. Anders scowled, shaking ice out of his hair as he turned. Hawke grinned apologetically as he switched his sword to his shield hand and brushed at his back.

“Look at what you’ve found,” Isabela said as she joined them in the cave. “I wonder what’s in here.”

“Spiders or dragonlings most likely,” Anders said brushing dirt off of his skirts.

“Don’t forget the walking corpses,” Varric added as he joined them.

“Or abominations,” Hawke added seriously. “Nothing would surprise me anymore.”

“Missed a spot, sweet thing,” Isabela said from directly behind him.

He felt her hands brushing at his skirts and was about to thank her but yelped instead when she pinched his bottom. She smirked on the way by and he glared at her instead. Varric chuckled as Anders rubbed at the spot with the hand he wasn’t holding his staff with.

“Be nice Isabela,” Hawke said stepping forward further into the cave to stand next to her.

She elbowed him lightly and said in a loud whisper that Anders was obviously meant to hear, “You’re just jealous because I got to touch her firm rear end and she won’t let you…yet.”

“Time and place, Bela,” Hawke sighed. “This is neither. Let’s see what’s in here. Light if you would please.”

Anders lit the end of his staff and wondered a little at Isabela’s frustrated look. He followed closely behind Hawke, who had his shield and sword at the ready. It didn’t take them long to find a wide open space at the end of the cave. At the far end was an alter-like hollow cut into the stone. The closer they came the more it looked like a book was sitting in the little space.

“Traps?” Hawke asked when he stopped a few feet from it.

Anders stood next to him and held his staff higher. Isabela and Varric both searched and pronounced it clear. Hawke stepped forward and Anders walked next to him. They both studied the book, flipping through the pages and Anders began shaking.

“Well? What is it?” Isabela asked curiously.

“It’s one of _her_ books,” Hawke said turning to look at Anders. “And it’s all about blood magic.”

Varric sucked in a breath and Anders took a step backward. He should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. Anders shook his head. He’d rather be trapped in a woman’s body permanently than sully himself with blood magic. “Destroy it,” he said hoarsely.

“Are you sure? Merrill…” Hawke said quietly.

“Destroy it,” he interrupted, louder and more confident on the surface. Inside he felt like screaming. Hawke picked up the book and dropped it on the ground at his feet. With the tip of his sword resting in the middle of the cover, he looked up at Anders once more. “Do it,” Anders said taking another step back.

Both Varric and Isabela were giving them a look at the strange little conversation. Hawke deferring to one of his teammates was almost unheard of. He took their suggestions but usually did what he thought was right. His stance against blood magic was well known and to them his hesitation was odd. Neither of them got a chance to say anything. As soon as his sword pierced the cover a revenant rose up from the ground behind them, calling shades and corpses to attack.

The battle was over fairly quickly and the book was nothing but a charred mess on the floor. Anders kicked the remains and ashes scattered. He looked around and saw that Isabela leaned on the wall of the cave with Hawke next to her.

“Does anyone need healing?” he asked stepping out to the middle of the room.

Varric looked up sharply and arched an eyebrow at him. “You’ve been spending too much time around Blondie. He asks that a lot.”

Shit, he thought. “Well, err…were both healers. Wouldn’t that be a normal question for a healer to ask?”

“I suppose so but that exact phrase?” Varric said skeptically.

“Same teacher,” he said trying to keep the question out of his voice.

“We’re fine Andrea,” Hawke said standing up straight. “Let’s get back to Kirkwall.”

“But we haven’t found…whatever it was you were looking for,” Isabela said.

“We can find the ironbark later,” he said strapping his sword and shield into place. “Let’s go.”

Hawke turned and walked away effectively ending the conversation. Isabela muttered something under her breath as she followed. Varric shrugged and started off but turned back when Anders didn’t move. “You coming?” he asked.

“Yes,” Anders said. “Sorry.”

***

Back at his clinic that night sitting between Hawke and Bethany, Anders felt numb. The journey back had been fairly quiet. Varric and Isabela had been left in Lowtown and Hawke had come with him back to the clinic. Bethany was already there and had asked what was wrong immediately.

After she had been told that they had actually found one of Tarohne’s books and had promptly destroyed it she’d wanted to know why. So he had explained. Even if the spell that had cursed him wasn’t blood magic he still wanted nothing to do with using it to uncurse him. If the spell couldn’t be reversed without blood magic then he’d just figure out how to put up with this odd life.

There were only two things the Templars would do. They would kill him or make him Tranquil and he’d already been in danger from both of those things. Fenris could possibly make his life miserable, not that it wasn’t miserable enough needing two different sets of everything. So he sat between them and sulked.

Hawke cleared his throat and said quietly, “Not that I’m trying to make your day worse or anything…but I’ll have enough saved for the expedition soon. You don’t have to answer now but I still want you to come with.”

Several reasons came to mind on why he shouldn’t. The Deep Roads were no place to explore frivolously. They were full of nasty things that would probably make even Hawke quake in his boots. Dark, enclosed caves lit by lava, darkspawn, caves collapsing on you or behind you…that list went on and on. There was no way to hide his current condition either.

The thought of Hawke going down there without him though, filled him with dread. He was their healer. Bethany still had much to learn of the healing arts and would be a poor substitute where one spell could mean life or death. He loved her dearly but her talents lie elsewhere. His abilities as a Grey Warden could also save lives. It was the thought of never seeing him again that really had him worried.

“I don’t know Hawke,” Anders said slowly. “How do you plan on hiding…this,” he finished gesturing at himself.

“I haven’t quite worked that out yet,” Hawke said with a frown.

“Maybe you could ask Varric,” suggested Bethany. “He’ll need to know anyway.”

“That’s a good idea,” said Hawke. “I think he’s suspicious already.”

“Wait a minute! I haven’t said yes yet!” Anders said irritably.

“I’m sorry. I’ll give you a few days but I really do need an answer soon,” Hawke said apologetically. “The more time we have to figure out a way to hide your…condition…the better.” He smiled suddenly and sat up straighter, turning slightly to face Anders. “On to happier things, I am a little jealous of Isabela.”

Confused at the sudden change of topic, Anders could only manage a raised eyebrow. Bethany asked the question he couldn’t however. “Jealous of Isabela? Whatever for?”

“I’ve wanted to at least give that nice firm arse of his a pat for quite a while now. Isabela pinched him earlier,” Hawke said in a serious tone with a serious expression to match.

“Garrett!” Bethany exclaimed in shock.

Unable to help himself, Anders started giggling. “Pat’s are appreciated, pinches are not,” he managed through his mirth.

Bethany rolled her eyes as Hawke smiled. “Got you to smile,” Hawke said.

“Come on,” Bethany sighed. “We’d better get home, Mother’s probably worried. I think that pirate’s been a bad influence.”

It was Hawke’s turn to roll his eyes. They stood and waved before leaving. He waved back thinking of how nice it would be to have Hawke’s hands on his arse and promptly groaned. Squeezing his thighs together briefly before standing to lock the door and then to ready himself for bed.


	9. Chapter 9

Anders thought about the upcoming expedition constantly. He couldn’t concentrate to read any of the books that might hold some sort of information. That he was extremely discouraged about finding anything didn’t help. Hawke had taken over his mind. Hawke returning triumphant, Hawke buried in a cave in, Hawke the ghoul, Hawke dead with a darkspawn sword through his gut, Hawke getting lost and never returning, Hawke deciding it was useless and running away to Antiva with him…Anders sighed and scratched at the stubble on his cheeks.

The book in front of him lay open but forgotten. He closed his eyes and sighed again. It was clear to him that he would be braving the Deep Roads with Hawke despite his current problems. If something happened that Anders could prevent but wasn’t there he’d never be able to live with himself.

He stood and pushed in the chair at his desk, tucking a long strand of hair behind his ear. Since it was obvious that there was no quick solution to this damned curse, he’d taken Bethany’s suggestion and had begun letting his hair grow out longer. Right now it was long enough to be annoying but not quite long enough to put all of it in a tail.

Taking his staff from where it rested against the desk, he strapped it to his back and headed for the doors of the clinic. Locking them as he left, he blew the lanterns out and made his way to Lowtown lost in thought. Hawke had said a few days and during those few days the warrior was dominating his thoughts. This was not really new. The handsome warrior had been dominating his thoughts for a couple of weeks now. Thoughts about the expedition and the ways something could go wrong were new.

Justice didn’t approve of Anders’ obsession with Hawke. Anders decided he didn’t care. The last three days of worry had made it clear to him that he wanted Hawke as more than just a friend. His life was nothing close to normal but Hawke was still interested. He’d been a source of comfort and strength, always ready to listen and most importantly, understanding. So maybe he was seeking out Hawke for a couple of reasons.

It was still early and Anders hoped Hawke would still be at home as he climbed the steps to Gamlen’s hovel. He stood in front of the door for a moment then sighed again and knocked. Moments later Hawke opened the door and his smile eased some of Anders’ nerves.

“Hello Hawke,” said Anders also smiling. “I was wondering if I could speak with you…privately.”

“I’ll be right back Mother,” Hawke called over his shoulder. He stepped out and closed the door. “Is this private enough?”

There were a few people about as Anders looked quickly around. He took Hawke’s hand and led him to a deserted alley nearby. Looking around for prying eyes once more he said, “I’ll go with you to the Deep Roads.”

Hawke’s face lit up like a Feastday bonfire. “That’s great but why the secrecy?”

Anders closed the small gap between them to press his lips to Hawke’s. He was surprised but responded quickly and the kiss grew heated. With his hands on Hawke’s shoulders he reluctantly pulled away. “I can’t deny my feelings anymore. I want you as more than a friend…but you’ve been flirting with Andrea.”

“You _are_ Andrea,” Hawke said patiently pulling him close with his hands on Anders’ hips.

“Only you and Bethany know that,” Anders said moving his hands to Hawke’s cheeks. He leaned forward for another kiss. Hawke pressed them together and he felt Hawke’s interest growing stiff along with his own. Anders rolled his hips once and swallowed the other man’s soft groan with a kiss. “I want you every way imaginable,” Anders said stepping away completely. “But we have to be careful. This is still a horrible idea but I don’t think I could live without you.”

Hawke took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. “I understand. You want me to show affection when you appear female but not male. If this has something to do with my reputation then you can forget it. I love _you_ and I don’t care what gender you happen to be.”

“You’ve no idea how happy I am to hear that,” Anders said smiling. “Until we can find a way to end this…It’s safer if you only show affection to one or the other.”

“Safer…all right,” Hawke said nodding. “All right…but you can expect a few late visits. Starting tonight.”

“I’ll look forward to them,” Anders said leaning forward for another kiss. “Don’t come too late though,” he said as they parted once more.

They took a moment to compose themselves and they left the alley side by side, close but not too close. “Have you eaten yet?” Hawke asked politely. Anders shook his head. “You can eat with us then we can go speak with Varric.”

“Can we speak with Varric tomorrow? It might be easier,” he said feeling a little nervous. That was a conversation he wasn’t looking forward to. He didn’t exactly mind telling Varric, the dwarf seemed to genuinely like him. It was his reaction that worried him.

“I suppose so,” Hawke said.

Anders lingered at Hawke’s table longer than he should have. He sat between Hawke and Bethany, listening to their conversation and stealing glances at Hawke. While they ate, Hawke told Bethany that Anders would be going to the Deep Roads. She immediately volunteered to stay behind and continue searching. Anders was very grateful for her offer and thanked her with a hug.

He left reluctantly and went back to his clinic, spending the rest of the day healing refugees. It was a rather busy day at the clinic and he was glad. There was less time for nerves or anticipation. Just after sunset Anders closed the clinic but left the door unlocked. After he had readied himself for bed he sat back down at his desk and tried to read but found he couldn’t concentrate. He looked at the door constantly. Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait long.

There was a soft knock and Anders turned as the door opened. “You came,” he said quietly. “I was sort of scared you would come to your senses.”

Hawke stepped through and closed the door behind him. He heard the locks as he stood and smiled nervously as Hawke closed the distance between them. Hawke placed a gentle kiss on his lips and smiled.

“I don’t seem to have any sense where you’re concerned,” he said softly. “Let me get rid of this armor.”

“I’ll help,” said Anders.

Between them it didn’t take long to strip the warrior down the trousers and tunic he wore underneath. It was piled neatly on one of the cots and Anders took his hand leading him back to his curtained off private area. The rest of their clothing was soon piled on the floor. Neither of them spoke and instead filled the clinic with the sounds their kisses and soft moans.

Anders didn’t think he’d ever been happier and they fell asleep curled up in each other’s arms. He woke briefly sometime after his body changed, snuggled closer to Hawke and smiled while he drifted back to sleep.

Both of them slept late the next morning. Anders woke facing the wall with Hawke pressed against every bit of skin along his back and bottom. Their legs were tangled together and Hawke had an arm draped over him resting just under his own arm. He heard the door to the clinic.

“Shit,” he said softly. “Hawke wake up, Bethany’s here.”

“So,” Hawke mumbled. The hand Hawke had draped over him moved slightly to caress one of his breasts. “It’s safe.”

Anders shivered slightly and whispered, “Maker, don’t do that.”

“Mother’s worried about you Garrett,” Bethany said. To Anders she sounded more amused than anything else. “I thought maybe I’d find you here.”

“Morning Bethany,” Hawke said sleepily. “Sorry to worry Mother.”

“Weren’t we supposed to go see Varric this morning?” she said.

“We’ll be with you in a moment,” Anders said.

“I’ll be waiting just outside…and I’m happy for both of you,” she said.

Anders listened to her footsteps fade and heard the door once more. He threw the blanket off and rolled to look at Hawke. His hand was still draped over Anders and Hawke smiled as he moved his hand down to his arse. 

“Very nice,” Hawke said softly squeezing one cheek.

“With all the walking we do and all the blighted stairs in this city,” Anders said smiling. “Yours isn’t so bad either.”

Hawke chuckled, “Come on,” he said. “We shouldn’t keep Bethy waiting.”

They dressed quickly and Anders helped Hawke into his armor. Bethany was waiting for them and she was smiling. Walking with their hands twined together, Anders was happy at the moment but nerves were building the closer they got to the Hanged Man.

Climbing the stairs to Varric’s private suite took more effort than he thought it would. Varric was sitting in his spot at the table polishing Bianca as they entered. “Sunshine, Hawke…Blondie. What brings you three here so early?” he said with his usual cheerful smile.

“Blondie?” Anders asked pausing long enough in the doorway that Hawke tugged gently on his hand. 

“I told you he was suspicious,” Hawke said still pulling him into the room. He pulled out a chair at the big table and Anders sat heavily. Bethany sat across from him while Hawke shut the door to Varric’s room. “How long have you known?”

“Not long,” Varric shrugged.

“What gave me away?” Anders asked.

“The book and a bunch of little things,” said Varric as he carefully put his crossbow on a stand. Looking back at Anders he smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry. I think you still have everyone else fooled.”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” said Anders quietly.

“We’ll have to tell at least one more person Anders,” Hawke said gently taking his hand. “When we leave for the Deep Roads Bethany will still be here.”

“He’s coming with? That’s…going to be tricky,” Varric said with a small frown.

“That’s why we’re here,” Hawke said seriously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that their offically together, Hawke and Anders will eventually have sex while his body is female. I can see two ways this story can go and I am honestly torn on what route to take. It's my understanding that even though he's a Grey Warden there's a very small chance of Anders as a female becoming pregnant. We already know the female body works properly. 
> 
> My question to you dear readers, would you like a little baby Hawke or not? The baby would act as an anchor, making Anders stuck as a female. Help me decide. =)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments and helping me decide. =)

After a few questions Varric sent them on their way. Anders was unhappy to discover that Isabela had already agreed to go with Hawke. Her teasing was going to be unbearable. When they left the Hanged Man, Hawke’s arm was around his shoulders with Anders’ arm around his waist. The first place they went was Gamlen’s hovel so Hawke could reassure his mother that he was fine. She didn’t ask why Anders stayed so close to him but there was a knowing little smile. Bethany stayed there but Hawke and Anders left after Leandra had fed them breakfast. She also prepared a basket for a picnic lunch.

Anders spent most of that day with him. They had the picnic lunch in a secluded spot on the Wounded Coast, sitting close talking and enjoying each other’s company. Walking back to Kirkwall holding hands, the sun was sitting on the horizon when Hawke escorted him back to Darktown. With his gauntlets tucked into his belt, Hawke and Anders stood just inside the doorway of the clinic.

“I should go,” Hawke said reluctantly, his hands resting on Anders hips.

“I don’t want you to,” Anders said standing on his toes to pull Hawke down for a kiss.

“I don’t want to either,” Hawke said breathlessly when they parted. His hands moved up Anders’ sides and around his back, pulling him close in an embrace. Anders wrapped his arms around Hawke as far as they would go and rested his cheek on his breastplate. “I promise I’ll stop by tomorrow.”

“I guess that will have to do,” Anders murmured.

Hawke kissed the top of his head and reluctantly pulled away. Anders sighed and locked the door behind him then turned to ready himself for bed. The next day he spent entirely in the clinic. Hawke stopped by around lunch time and spent an hour or so after they had eaten helping him around the clinic.

It was hard for Anders to act like friends. Hawke kept a respectful distance but was as kind as he’d always been. Even though it was safer, he didn’t like not being able to show affection. He wondered how Hawke seemed so calm. A stolen kiss when the clinic was empty reassured him that Hawke didn’t like this arrangement either.

The rest of the day was spent at his clinic helping those he could. It was a rather busy afternoon but Anders didn’t mind, it kept him occupied. After reading for a bit he dressed for bed in the shirt he normally wore. The busy day had left him tired and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. Sometime after his body had changed he was woke by a pounding on the locked door of his clinic.

“Anders!”

Still sleep fogged, he hurried across the clinic. The nightshirt he wore slipped down over one shoulder but he ignored it as he opened the door. “Hawke what…” he began upon seeing him in the doorway. Then he saw that Hawke carried an unconscious Bethany. “Bring her in.” His sleepiness faded quickly.

“I’m so sorry love,” Hawke said apologetically. “Beth did the best she could and we gave her a couple of healing potions before she passed out.” He stepped quickly inside followed by Isabela and Fenris. Anders only noted their presence as he followed Hawke to the cot where he gently laid Bethany down.

“Where’s the abomination?” Fenris asked from near the doorway.

“Out,” Anders replied tersely before focusing all of his attention on Bethany. “What happened?”

“Qunari,” Hawke said almost angrily. “The bastards wouldn’t leave her alone.”

“Let’s not forget dear Sister Patrice,” Isabela said as she moved beside him. She was clearly annoyed.

“Do you always wear his shirts to sleep in?” asked Fenris, who still hadn’t moved from the doorway.

“Do you always ask stupid questions?” Anders asked as he glared at the elf for a moment. He turned his glare on Hawke and said curtly, “Get him out of here.”

Hawke nodded and said, “I’ll be back.”

Anders waved absently, his attention already back on Bethany. He was dimly aware of the others leaving and the door shutting as he pushed the sleeves of the too big shirt up to his elbows. She was covered in minor cuts and bruises but there was a large stab wound on one shoulder. It was partially healed and he finished what she had started. He healed the other cuts and smiled when she sighed softly.

Bethany opened her eyes and looked around, focusing on him. “Garrett brought you here,” Anders said before she could say anything. “You’re fine now but you should probably sleep. I think you just drained your mana.”

She nodded slightly and her eyes closed again. Anders pulled a blanket up to her chin as her breathing quickly deepened into the even rhythm of sleep. He searched around for something to eat and settled on a cot to eat the apple he’d found, waiting for Hawke to return.

**The elf suspects.**

I know but there’s not much we can do but avoid him.

Frowning slightly as he finished the apple and tossed the core into the bin, he noticed that it was almost morning. Anders stood and dressed before lighting the lanterns. It didn’t take long for the refugees to start wandering in. He checked Bethany often but she was sleeping peacefully. When Hawke did return he was alone and looked worried.

“Is she all right?” Hawke asked standing over the cot where Bethany slept.

“She’s fine,” Anders said looking up briefly from bandaging a cut. Hawke sat on a stool next to her cot and waited patiently for him to finish. Anders finished up with the young man he was working on and moved over to where Hawke sat. “You look exhausted…and you’re filthy. What were you doing last night?”

“Taking a Qunari mage out of the city for a Sister,” Hawke said looking up at him. “You, Beth and Merrill aren’t going anywhere near that compound of theirs at the docks. What their mages suffer makes the Gallows look tame.”

“How did Bethany get hurt?” Anders asked. He took Hawke’s hand and pulled him to his feet and led him behind the curtain to his room. “Get that armor off.”

“Sister Patrice set us up,” Hawke said crossly as he began removing his armor. Anders filled his wash tub with water as Hawke spoke. “There was a bunch of them waiting for us. They followed the bodies of their fallen right to us and we ended up in a fight because I wasn’t about to let them take that poor creature. The mage ended up killing himself anyway.”

Anders shook his head. “I’ll never understand the Qunari,” he said warming the water. “Clean yourself up and get some sleep.”

Hawke nodded tiredly and pulled his undershirt off. Anders lingered a moment before returning to check on Bethany. He gathered dirty linens into a pile and went to gather his dirty laundry as well as Hawke’s undershirt and trousers. Hawke was mostly submerged in his large tub and looked to be asleep. After piling the clothes with the other laundry he went back and patted his cheek gently.

“Wake up Garrett,” he said softly squatting near the tub. “Let’s get you into the bed.”

His eyes opened slowly and he nodded. Anders helped him out and dried him off before he lay on Anders’ cot. He pulled a blanket up over him but Hawke was already asleep. Smiling, he stood to keep himself busy while he waited for them to wake.

Hours later Anders was hanging the last of the laundry to dry on lines he had strung up around the clinic. Bethany was the first to wake and after checking her over one last time he sent her home after some clean clothes for Hawke. She said she would be back as soon as she could but since neither of them had been home since yesterday she warned him it might take a bit for her to get away from their mother.

She had been gone for about an hour when Anders went back to check on Hawke. He was sitting up with the blanket covering his lower half. Hawke smiled when Anders appeared and he smiled back. Pulling up his skirts, Anders straddled Hawke’s lap. His strong arms pulled Anders close as they kissed.

“Bethany’s awake,” Anders said pulling back only slightly, his hands resting on Hawke’s shoulders. “I’ve sent her for some clean clothes for you but she’s been gone a while.”

“She’s okay then?” Hawke asked running his hands lightly up Anders’ back.

“Perfectly fine,” Anders said smiling. His smile turned quickly to a frown when he thought of Fenris. “I think Fenris suspects something.”

“I’m sorry I brought him here but there wasn’t a way to get rid of him without making him more suspicious,” said Hawke resting his head on Anders’ bosom.

“It’s all right,” Anders said running his fingers through Hawke’s short hair. “You were worried about Bethany.”

“I don’t know what to do about Fenris,” Hawke said thoughtfully. “It won’t matter much in a few days though. We’ll be heading for the Deep Roads and he’ll still be here.”

“Garrett,” said Anders quietly, the fingers of one hand moving restlessly in his hair and the other sliding down to rest on his shoulder. “Would you…have sex with me…in this body? Before we leave, I mean…”

“Why do you sound so nervous, love?” Hawke interrupted.

“I…well…I don’t know if…oh never mind,” said Anders hesitantly. He tried to scoot back but Hawke’s arms tightened around him and he couldn’t get away.

“Anders,” he said quietly pulling away just enough to look up at him. “I told you I didn’t care whether your body was male or female. You didn’t seem very comfortable with it the other day.”

“I’ve been curious for a while now,” Anders said softly but still nervous. “What…it would feel like. My fingers felt wonderful but…I want to know what it would feel like to have you inside this body. It’s not wise to lower your guard like that in the Deep Roads and I thought I’d have more time but if something happens…”

Hawke smiled patiently as Anders trailed off. “Love,” he said warmly. “Nothing’s going to happen. I’m perfectly willing to have sex with you no matter your gender, but only if you’re comfortable with it. If you need to wait then we’ll wait.”

“I don’t want to wait,” said Anders pulling them together once more. “I’m just a little nervous.”

“If you still want to later we will,” Hawke said. “We need to speak with Varric and Isabela first.”

Before Anders could reply they heard the door of the clinic. Hawke gave him a quick squeeze before letting him go. Anders kissed the top of his head and smiled as he climbed down to see who had come in.


	11. Chapter 11

When Anders stepped out from behind the curtain, Bethany was hurrying back to him. “Sorry it took so long, Mother made me repeat the story twice,” she said in exasperation.

“Mothers worry,” Anders said as she handed him a pile of clothes. “Or so I’m told. I’ll be right back.”

Anders stepped back through the curtain and tossed the clothing to Hawke. When he was dressed, they helped him back into his armor and the three of them headed for the Hanged Man. Isabela was already with Varric when they arrived. Hawke shut his door before sitting next to Anders at the table.

“I’ve got the coin,” he said.

“Perfect,” Varric said grinning. “I’ve got Bartrand ready to leave at a moment’s notice but I’ll stall him until tomorrow morning when Blondie’s his normal tall self. From the maps you provided we can make it to the Deep Roads entrance by nightfall.”

“Wait, is something wrong with Anders?” Isabela asked in confusion.

“You could say that,” Anders said with a heavy sigh. “I’m Anders.”

Isabela giggled before she said, “The resemblance is fantastic for cousins but you don’t look much like a man.”

“Believe me, I’ve noticed,” said Anders dryly.

She looked around at their serious faces and a small frown surfaced on hers. “You’re not joking…are you?” she asked slowly.

“No Bela,” Hawke said softly. “We’re not joking.”

“My body changes genders every day,” Anders said. “Ever since we found that Templar recruit…one of the blood mages cast a spell or a curse or something and I woke the next day like this.”

“That would explain a few things,” Isabela said thoughtfully. A sunny grin broke through the grim thoughtfulness and she leaned forward eagerly. “Have you had sex with him yet?”

Anders groaned and leaned forward until his head thumped on the table. On one side of him Bethany was trying not to laugh and on the other he heard Hawke sigh in exasperation. “Isabela, I don’t think my sex life is an appropriate topic of conversation,” Hawke said resting a hand on Anders’ back.

“Oh please,” Isabela said smugly. “Everyone’s been expecting you two to jump each other for a while now. At least I know what’s taken so long. As the only person who’s experienced sex from both sides you have a responsibility to share your observations. For posterity.”

“You just want details,” Anders said as he sat up and scowled.

“I’m all for posterity but if we could focus just a bit,” Varric said sounding amused. “We’ll have plenty of time for details later.”

“Don’t encourage her Varric,” Hawke said in frustration.

Varric raised his hands in surrender and Bethany gave up on trying to not laugh. Isabela soon joined her. Anders crossed his arms under his bosom and glared at the table top, waiting for them to settle so that Varric could continue.

“Blondie,” Varric said seriously once their laughter had died to quiet giggles. “When you look like this stay close to Hawke and Rivani. Get a cloak with a hood that fits, we’re going to hide Andrea as much as we can and let the others see Anders. If anyone gets curious and asks why Anders disappears we’ll tell them he’s doing Grey Warden things.”

“I’m going to need a tent,” said Anders. “It always happens at night.”

“Hawke and I can take care of that. You can double with him so it won’t look odd,” Varric said nodding.

“What if someone starts asking questions about Andrea?” Isabela asked her voice unusually serious.

“Hopefully we can keep Andrea away from the others. I’m thinking our group will stay at the front and he’s so small like that hiding in front of Hawke won’t be much of a problem,” said Varric.

Hawke looked around at them and said, “Varric and I will go speak with Bartrand. Anders and Isabela, why don’t you two go prepare. Travel light but bring anything you might need.”

“Can you help me Bethany?” Anders asked. Quietly he added, “There’s something I’m going to need help with.”

Bethany nodded as she stood and they all left Varric’s room. Isabela went to her room and Varric followed them out of the tavern. Before they parted, Hawke leaned down and kissed him with a quiet promise to stop by later. Anders waited until they were safely in his clinic with the door locked before he turned to Bethany.

“I need your help figuring out a problem. When,” he paused and took a deep breath. “This body…bled…I woke up a mess every other morning. Since baths and laundry are a luxury in the Deep Roads and we have no idea how long we’ll be down there…” Anders trailed off knowing he was blushing furiously in embarrassment.

Bethany merely frowned in thought. “Stay awake if you can, try to sleep on your side. Make sure you take plenty of the pads I brought you. Hopefully you won’t need them but it’s best to be prepared.” She smiled and took his hand. “Don’t worry so much. Things will work out okay. Come on, I’ll help you pack.”

It took the two of them most of the afternoon to squeeze everything he would need into his pack. Bethany had found a satchel that could carry his boots and every healing potion he could find in the clinic. Anders was sure this wasn’t exactly traveling light but there was nothing he could do. Carrying two sets of clothes, a pair of boots and all the other odds and ends that he might need took up a lot of space. He’d already decided that he’d be taking the shorter staff only because keeping track of both of them would be more hassle than it was worth.

When Hawke knocked on the door he came in with a covered container and his pack. “Mother sent us a meal. I told her I’d be spending the night here with you and leaving early,” he said dropping his pack and placing the container on the desk. “She expects you home shortly though,” he said turning to Bethany.

She turned and hugged Anders tightly. “I’ll keep looking,” she said quietly.

“Will you open the clinic every once in a while?” Anders asked. “Take care of them while I’m gone.”

“Sure,” Bethany said smiling. “Just keep him safe.”

“I’ll do my best,” said Anders returning her smile.

Bethany turned to Hawke and embraced him as well. “Take care Brother,” she said her voice barely audible.

Hawke patted her back and said, “I will. Things will be better when we get back.”

She looked back at them once more when she reached the door. “Good luck!” she said, waved and shut the door behind her. Anders locked it and turned to Hawke, who was shedding his armor. He helped him out of it, placing the pieces on a cot.

“So what did your mother say about us,” Anders asked as he settled next to Hawke on a cot. The container sat on his lap, uncovered, and Anders looked at what Leandra had sent.

“The first thing she asked was when to expect grandchildren,” Hawke replied handing him a piece of breaded chicken. “That reminds me, can you even get pregnant?”

“It’s possible I suppose,” Anders said blowing on the chicken to cool it. “It’s not very likely though. Grey Wardens aren’t very fertile.”

Hawke shrugged, “It’s not like I was expecting children in the first place but…that’s kind of sad.”

“I’ve gotten used to it,” Anders said. “I never thought I’d be a parent in the first place really. Accidental children are taken away in the circle.”

Hawke frowned and shook his head before taking a bite out of his chicken. They enjoyed the rest of the meal in a comfortable silence. When the potatoes and greens had been finished the container was set aside and they moved back to his cot. Hawke sat on it with Anders resting comfortably on his lap like they had been earlier. Anders found it impossible to hide his nerves from Hawke.

His hands rested on Anders hips and he looked up at him thoughtfully. “Are you sure you want this love?” Hawke asked quietly.

“Yes,” Anders said leaning down to kiss him. “Every way imaginable.”

“Then relax,” Hawke said smiling. “We’ll stop if you need to.”

Hawke began with languid kisses, slowly running his hands up Anders sides, down his back to rest on his thighs a moment before beginning again. Gradually Anders did relax, arching his back into the gentle touches.

“Much better,” Hawke murmured kissing the corner of his mouth. Anders straightened as he kissed down his neck, nipping the sensitive skin lightly. His hands changed course slightly, further up his sides until his thumbs rested on the sides of his breasts. Anders arched his back again, this time forward into the gentle caress. He squeezed Hawke’s shoulders as he leaned back slightly.

Anders smiled down at him as Hawke worked on the small buttons, unfastening them to his waist. He pushed the material back and Anders pulled his arms out of the sleeves, letting the material pool at his waist leaving him almost bare. Hawke unfastened the breast band and it fell to the cot, forgotten almost immediately as Hawke leaned forward taking Anders’ nipple into his mouth.

Groaning softly as Hawke sucked and licked, biting lightly then licking again, Anders gripped his shoulders again. “Maker, that feels good,” Anders whispered breathlessly. Hawke moved to the other breast, hands resting on his arse and Anders began rolling his hips, trying to satisfy the ache that grew between his legs.

Hawke groaned softly and moved his hands to still Anders hips. “Too many clothes love,” he said resting his head between Anders breasts.

“That’s easily fixed,” Anders said tugging lightly on his shirt.

Anders stood and they shed the rest of their clothes quickly. He stood on his toes pressing himself against Hawke kissing him while holding onto his arms. Feeling his stiff length trapped between them, the ache grew and he felt the wetness on his thighs.

“How do you want me?” Anders asked breathlessly settling back on to his feet.

“Just like we were,” Hawke said first sitting then laying back on the cot. “That way you have control.”

He nodded then climbed up on the cot, straddling Hawkes legs. Anders took a deep breath before slowly moving forward, stroking his length a few times before lining them up. Hawke moaned as he sank slowly down until they were once again flush. Hawke gripped his hips as Anders leaned forward resting his hands on Hawke’s chest.

“Maker’s breath,” Hawke said shakily. “You’re so tight.”

“You’re not exactly small love,” Anders said his voice also shaking slightly. “I am.”

“Are you all right?” he asked in concern.

“Fine,” Anders whispered. “Just give me a moment. It’s…different. Good…but different.”

Anders didn’t think he’d ever felt so full. He lifted slightly and settled back down. Keeping most of his weight on his hands, he began moving his hips until he found a steady rhythm that had both of them gasping and moaning. Hawke began rising slightly to meet him, his hands wandering over any part of Anders he could touch.

“Not going to last,” Hawke groaned breathily. Reaching between them, Hawke rubbed his pearl.

“Oh Garrett,” Anders cried out as it pushed him over the edge. His movements slowed as Hawke thrust up a few more times as he found his release. Hawke held him still and Anders collapsed on top of him, panting and trembling.

After a few minutes had passed, when their breathing had slowed, Hawke wrapped his arms around Anders and asked, “Still all right love?”

“Wonderful,” Anders said lethargically. “Just don’t want to move.”

“Is the size difference why you were nervous?” he asked curiously.

“Partly,” said Anders as he rose to rest on his hands. Lifting his hips one final time he shuddered and collapsed to the side. “The whole size thing is a constant bother.”

“Worth trying again?” Hawke asked sleepily.

“Definitely,” Anders said resting his head on Hawke’s chest and snuggling close. “You get to do all the work next time though.”


	12. Chapter 12

Varric’s plan worked better than Anders thought it would. There were a few people who asked where Anders went but the lie was believed by everyone. The Grey Wardens were secretive but well respected almost everywhere. When his body was female he stayed close to Hawke and Isabela, wearing the cloak Hawke had bought, he was hardly noticed by anyone. After they had found a way around the blocked cave it was easier because Bartrand sent them scouting ahead more often than he did before.

Everything was going much better than he expected up until Bartrand’s betrayal. Anders didn’t like the idol in the first place, it felt wrong but Hawke had given it to Bartrand anyway. Then they were sealed in and had to find another way out. That had turned out to be harder than Anders expected.

There weren’t any darkspawn in the area which had worried him a bit. The place was full of those weird rock wraiths however. When they met the giant rock wraith Anders understood why there weren’t any darkspawn. The treasure trove it was guarding provided more than enough spoils.

They made their way to the surface easily after that. Anders hoped that it was worth the month they had spent underground. Varric and Isabela had gone to the Hanged Man and Anders had left Hawke at Gamlen’s hovel before heading home to his clinic. Every stitch of clothing that had gone with him was now soaking in soapy water.

The tub he filled up for himself had to be dumped twice before the water stayed clear. Wearing only one of his long shirts, it fit right today, he pulled up the sleeves and began washing his other clothes. When they were all hanging on the lines strung up around the clinic there was a frantic knocking at the door. Grumbling, he went to unlock it and was surprised to find a very distressed Hawke. He hadn’t even taken his armor off. Anders was very concerned as he lurched unsteadily into the clinic.

“We were too late,” he sobbed as he grabbed Anders’ shoulders.

“Too late for what Garrett?” Anders asked as he lowered them to the floor.

“Templars…at the house when I got there,” Hawke said, tears flowed down his cheeks, voice breaking with emotion. “They…took Bethany.”

“Oh no,” Anders said pulling the warrior into an awkward embrace. He blinked a few of his own tears away and said softly, “I’m so sorry love.”

Hawke spent that night at the clinic. Anders managed to get him out of his armor and put him in the bath. His water had to be dumped three times before it stayed clear. Hawke let him fuss apathetically and fell asleep quickly curled up into a ball with Anders wrapped around him.

For the next few days Hawke fell into a depression. He went on and on about failing Bethany and cursing Bartrand for trapping them. Anders did his best to comfort even though her capture hurt him too. Finding the note she’d left helped immensely. She implored her brother not to worry about her, to concentrate on taking care of their mother and to Anders she promised to search the library in the Gallows thoroughly. The end of her note detailed the finding of another of Tarohne’s books in the Chantry. She’d taken the thing to Fenris and together they had destroyed it, being attacked by abominations and a desire demon the second her fire had licked at the cover.

Hawke had thrown himself into helping his mother with the old Amell estate, now the Hawke estate. He spent most of his nights at the clinic with Anders. It was then that his walls fell, telling only his lover how much his heart still hurt. Anders was patient and loving. Gradually Hawke healed, becoming more like his old self as time passed.

Anders still searched for a way to fix the curse. It was slow work without Bethany but with Hawke’s encouragement he kept at it. Hawke still searched for the remaining tomes but most of his time was taken by cleaning the estate. It took Hawke and his mother over a month to get the estate livable again. Even after he had settled his mother into their new home he still spent most of his nights with Anders at the clinic. Anders didn’t complain. His sex life hadn’t been this good since his last escape from the Tower.

He found out why Hawke kept coming back to the clinic one night after Leandra had been in the estate for a couple of weeks. Hawke wanted Anders to move in with him. It took another week of convincing before Anders agreed. He had his own room in the estate where ‘Anders’ kept his things. ‘Andrea’ slept in Hawke’s room.

It was unconventional and bothersome because Anders had to sneak into Hawke’s room every night after the dwarves in the foyer retired for the night or he had to get up early to sneak back into his room before anyone caught him in bed with Hawke. Neither of the two dwarves or Leandra seemed to know that the two people that had moved in were really the same person. There was a very large danger of getting caught but Anders couldn’t find it in him to care. When it came to Hawke, Anders apparently didn’t have any sense either.

Things settled down into a new normal and Anders was generally happy even though he had to do a lot of sneaking. They ate breakfast together and Anders either went to his clinic or with Hawke on one of his odd jobs. Even though he didn’t strictly need the coin, Hawke continued to help those that wanted it. There were new responsibilities as well but Hawke avoided dealing with the nobility he was now a part of as much as possible. He left most of it to his mother but she insisted he attend at least a few of the dozens of parties he was invited to.

One of them fell on a day when Anders would appear female and Leandra was insistent that Hawke attend this one. Hawke had pleaded with him to go with and when his mother added her pleas as well Anders knew he’d have to go. This was how he’d found himself wearing an uncomfortable dress that exposed more of him than he thought was proper, hanging from Hawke’s arm like some sort of exotic jewelry and bored out of his mind.

There was nothing for him to do but listen to the whispers of Kirkwall’s nobility. Hawke was as polite as always while they wound their way through people that inevitably stopped them. False smiles tried to hide calculating eyes as the nobles tried to figure out the ‘Ferelden upstarts’. Hawke finally managed to get them to an unoccupied corner of the ballroom.

He blew out an irritated breath before speaking quietly. “I feel like a mouse in a room full of mean cats.”

“At least you’re not being treated like an object,” Anders said softly tugging on the bodice of the dress again.

“Stop fussing with that,” Hawke said taking his hand. “It might help if you spoke up a little more.”

“Love,” Anders snorted. “You wouldn’t like what came out. Can we go home please?”

“Soon,” said Hawke. “I hate this as much as you do.”

“Please Garrett!” Anders pleaded. “I’m bored.”

“Soon,” Hawke said again.

Anders stepped in front of Hawke and pressed himself against the tall warrior, determined to get him to either agree to go home or at least make things more interesting by finding a handy broom closet. He pouted as he let his hands wander along Hawke’s side and around to his back. “Please love,” Anders said. “There are so many other things we could do at home.”

“Such as?” Hawke asked, his hands settling on Anders’ hips.

“First you could peel me out of this awful dress,” Anders said smiling.

“And after that?” he asked also smiling.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” said Anders grinding against his leg a tiny bit to give him an idea.

“You’ve convinced me,” Hawke said leaning down for a quick kiss.

It didn’t take him long to make his excuses to the host and they were crossing Hightown to the estate. When the door of Hawke’s room was safely shut behind them, Anders found himself spun around and pressed against it. Hawke leaned down and they kissed. Clothes were removed in a flurry of kissing and groping that led to the bed where Anders lay on his back moaning in pleasure as Hawke drove into him again and again.

Afterwards they lay in a sated embrace talking quietly as they cuddled. Even though it was still a little early, Anders found he was extremely tired. It had been a busy day at the clinic followed by the bored tedium of the party. He was soon asleep with Hawke curled against him.

The next morning they were woke by a knock on the door. There was hardly a pause between the knock and the door being opened a tiny crack. Anders hid himself under the covers as Hawke sat up on one elbow to speak with Bodahn. He immediately tried not to panic as he discovered his body was still female.

When the door closed Anders sat up and with his voice shaking said, “Garrett, tell me we’re dreaming or something.”

Hawke stared at him for a moment then frowned. “You’re not…you,” he said reaching out to touch Anders’ cheek. “Why haven’t you changed?”

“I don’t know!” Anders said miserably. “What if we’re too late?”

“Calm down Anders,” Hawke purred. “I’ll see if I can contact Bethany and see if she’s found anything. Until we figure out why the best thing we can do is act normal.”

“There was nothing normal about this to start with!” Anders exclaimed. “What if I’m stuck like this forever?”

“Then we’ll find a way to change you back,” said Hawke confidently. “Until then, if you don’t change back tomorrow, you’ll just have to live as Andrea.”

Anders knew he was right but he still didn’t like it. It was hard to go about his day acting like nothing was wrong. After a week had passed of waking up female every morning Anders began to despair. If there was one good thing about being stuck as a woman, it was that he no longer needed two different sets of everything. He didn’t have to worry about sneaking around in the middle of the night either. It was a small comfort though.

Another week had passed before Hawke was allowed to see Bethany. She had been harrowed immediately and set to teaching the younger mages in the Gallows. To Hawke, she seemed happy. Bethany had started going through the books in the library but hadn’t found anything yet.

Three weeks after his body got stuck as a female Anders began to notice a few strange things. Leandra had pointed out one morning how much more he was eating. Anders had shrugged that off without explaining. He figured it was because his Grey Warden appetite couldn’t be completely satisfied every other day.

He was irritable, his breasts ached sometimes for no reason and he suddenly found a few things at the clinic he couldn’t do without being sick to his stomach. This made him more irritable because he’d been healing and bandaging bloody wounds for most of his adult life. It had never made him feel like throwing up before and having to stop to heave into a bucket not only looked bad but was annoying.

Hawke wouldn’t let him stay discouraged. He was always ready with comforting words or a gentle embrace. Varric and Isabela were also understanding and sympathetic. They helped Hawke keep his spirits up. After four weeks spent as ‘Andrea’ an excuse was made for ‘Anders’’ absence. Anders was sure he was stuck as a woman after so long.

They were on their way to the Bone Pit with Isabela and Merrill, Anders found himself hanging back with Merrill. He had tried to keep his animosity with her to a minimum. Not liking Fenris was one thing but it would be suspicious if his female-self treated the Dalish blood mage the same way his male-self did. The result had been a tentative friendship. He still tried to talk her out of using blood magic but did so without being quite so demanding about it. Without Bethany to confide in, he found himself telling Merrill about the strange things he’d noticed.

She was thoughtful for a moment after Anders had finished as they walked. “You and Hawke have sex?” she asked. After seeing his shocked look she quickly added, “I swear I’m not trying to pry!”

“Yes but what has that got to do with me being sick to my stomach?” Anders asked truly puzzled.

“Are you late?” she asked quietly.

“Late?” said Anders feeling even more confused than before. “Late for what?”

The tips of her ears turned pink as she leaned close to whisper in his ear. “Your monthlies, is it late coming?”

Anders thought back and was horrified to find that yes he was late. “Almost two weeks,” he said quietly. “You don’t think…oh dear Maker.”

“You’re going to have a baby!” she exclaimed happily.


	13. Chapter 13

Hawke and Isabela both stopped and turned at the same time. It was so abrupt that Isabela put her hands out to keep Merrill from running into her. Anders had stopped a step behind everyone else.

“What?” Hawke said in complete shock at the same time Isabela said, “Could you repeat that, Kitten.”

Merrill looked from Isabela to Hawke nervous from their sudden attention. “Andrea is pregnant…I think. Why do you all look so shocked? Surely you know where babies come from.”

“We didn’t think…Andrea could have children,” Hawke said slowly.

Anders turned his attention inward. Justice? He felt the spirit stir.

**There is another life in this body, small and fragile. A part of us…yet separate.**

You have to stay away from it!

**Do not fear my friend. I will not harm this small life.**

Have long have you known?

**Moments. Like you I thought this body incapable of conceiving life.**

Anders giggled suddenly and took a few steps forward toward Hawke. “Justice can feel it,” Anders said looking up at Hawke. “That’s why I stopped changing. A part of us yet separate…my male body can’t support a child.”

“Love,” Hawke said gently.

“I’m pregnant,” Anders interrupted. “Oh dear Maker I’m going to have a baby.” He was barely aware of anything around him. Anders didn’t notice Isabela taking a confused Merrill a short distance away. His emotions shifted wildly between dread and cautious excitement only to plummet into despair. “Garrett what if we broke the spell? Am I going to look like this forever now?”

“Anders,” Hawke said in that soothing tone as he gently gripped Anders’ arms. “You need to calm down.”

“Calm…yes calm,” Anders said taking a deep breath. “Having hysterics isn’t going to help.”

“Do you need to go back home?” Hawke asked.

“No,” said Anders shaking his head. “No I’ll be fine. I’m just…give me a moment.”

Anders crossed his arms over his stomach and rested his cheek on Hawke’s breastplate when he pulled him close. After a few minutes when he felt calmer he stepped back, smiling up at Hawke. He returned the smile and Anders turned to Merrill and Isabela who stood off to one side.

“Merrill, I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through Anders,” Merrill said sympathetically. “There’s nothing to be frightened of though. Children are a blessing…you should be happy.”

“I’d given up on children long ago,” said Anders. “This is so odd…I don’t know how I should feel.”

“Can I be happy for you then?” she asked seriously.

Anders giggled and nodded. “I’m sure I’ll get there,” he said.

“Mother isn’t going to let you feel too sorry for yourself,” Hawke said. “She’s going to be so excited. You’re sure you want to keep going, love? You know how dangerous the Bone Pit can be.”

“I’ll be fine,” Anders said. “You might want to watch me a little closer but the miners might need me though.”

“Let’s get going then,” said Hawke.

The rest of their trip to the Bone Pit was uneventful. Hawke insisted that Anders stay outside the tunnels with the miners however. Anders only made a token protest. He knew that Hawke was just worried for his safety and that of the baby growing inside of him. The miners did need his help and keeping busy healing them was comforting in its normalcy. He did have to politely excuse himself a couple of times to calm his suddenly rolling stomach.

The others had been gone a long time before they finally stumbled out. Anders hurried over to them and healed their wounds while Hawke explained what had taken so long. After the spiders had been taken care of they followed a branch of the tunnel to make sure there were no more and found another of Tarohne’s books at the end.

Hawke had put his sword through it without hesitation and they had been attacked by shades, abominations and a rage demon. The book was destroyed but the battle had been hard without the fourth person Hawke normally had with him. Anders felt a tad guilty because he should have been that fourth person today. Hawke didn’t let him dwell on it however.

The walk back to Kirkwall was silent and thoughtful. Before they entered the city Anders extracted a promise from Merrill not to tell anyone his secret. There was less danger now and there were only two others in their group who didn’t know. It wasn’t the Guard Captain he worried about however. Since he’d stopped changing Fenris had only grown more suspicious. Anders couldn’t guess why this was but he knew Fenris’ reaction to being lied to all this time wouldn’t be pleasant.

There was enough time for a quick bath when they got home before supper. While they ate Hawke told his mother the happy news. Leandra was every bit as excited as Hawke said she would be. It took them a while to be alone together. Hawke had taken refuge in the study while Anders was given advice. He sat through and listened politely even though he knew most of what she told him.

When he was finally able to get away, Anders joined Hawke in the study. He sighed in exasperation as he shut the door behind him. Hawke was sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs staring into the crackling fire. Looking up when the door shut, Hawke smiled and waved him over. Anders sat off to one side in his lap with his hands crossed over his stomach and his head resting on the warrior’s broad shoulder. Hawke’s arms circled him and Anders sighed again.

“How many shops full of baby things am I going to get dragged through?” asked Anders irritably.

“Quite a few I’d wager,” Hawke said smiling.

Anders made an irritated noise and snuggled into his embrace. They were quiet for a while, both of them lost in their own thoughts. On one hand, Anders was excited. He’d never given much thought to children. They were taken in the circle and his life as a Warden and after that hadn’t been very conducive to child rearing. Even after this strange curse he’d never given much thought to becoming pregnant because Grey Wardens just didn’t have children. On the other he was worried that they might have broken the curse and he’d be trapped in this body.

“I’m sorry Garrett,” Anders said softly.

“What for love?” Hawke asked.

“I just didn’t think that this could happen,” said Anders miserably. “Now I might be stuck like this forever.”

“Anders, I’ve told you before I don’t care,” he said patiently. “I fell in love with you as a person not your body.”

“I’m different now though,” said Anders. “Haven’t you noticed?”

“You’re not as angry, a little more cautious, still a bit impulsive, just as kind and compassionate as you were before. Yes love, I’ve noticed. I’m not quite the same person you fell in love with either. We learn and grow from our experiences. I still see nothing wrong with you.”

“I…Thank you Garrett,” Anders said softly. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

His arms tightened around Anders for a moment as he turned his head slightly to kiss Anders’ forehead. “Love you,” he said quietly.

After a moment of quiet happiness Anders asked, “Garrett are you scared?”

“Terrified love,” he said immediately. “I’m already worried about being a good father.”

Anders giggled and sat up slightly to look at him. “At least you don’t have to worry about being a good mother,” he said smiling.

Hawke smiled and chuckled. “Parent then,” he said quietly. His arms shifted position and Anders put his arms around Hawke’s neck as he stood, carrying Anders comfortably. “Let’s go to bed.”

The next few days were a flurry of activity. Leandra had insisted on having an announcement party which Anders had the unsavory task of helping plan. Hawke began working on the task of getting Bethany out of the Gallows long enough to attend. A date was set after Hawke had agreed to a Templar escort but Bethany would be able to attend. With that task out of the way, Hawke helped Leandra and Anders was allowed to seek refuge in his clinic.

He wasn’t looking forward to the party at all. The only good thing would be seeing Bethany again and Hawke had insisted on inviting their friends. It was sort of comforting to know that he wouldn’t be the only one who was uncomfortable. As one of the hosts of this party he wouldn’t be able to sneak away. He was expected to mingle and make polite conversation with the same people who’d made him feel like jewelry at the event he’d attended.

In the days leading up to the party the others stopped by the clinic one by one, with the exception of Fenris, to offer congratulations. Even some of the refugees offered congratulations. They asked if ‘Anders’ would be back in time for the birth and he told them all the same thing that he was too busy elsewhere.

Anders found it hard to keep searching for a cure. It wasn’t that he was busier than he’d been before but he saw little point in it. Even if he found something now it might not work. He could very well be stuck in this female body for the rest of his life. Hawke encouraged him to keep looking in what time he could find. They wouldn’t find out either way if the spell had been broken or not until the baby was born.


	14. Chapter 14

Anders sat in a corner with Isabela, Merrill and Aveline. He’d been polite for as long as he could stand and had resorted to using his ‘delicate condition’ as an excuse to get away from them. Now he sat watching Hawke and Leandra. Hawke’s mother had been born into this sort of thing and it showed. Twenty-five years or so in the Ferelden mud hadn’t dulled her keen instincts a bit.

Hawke, even with his simple upbringing was also a natural. They were perfectly polite, knew just what to say, when to move on to the next group of people. Anders could have been jealous but he wasn’t. He never had a sense for this sort of politics. In the tower he’d done what he wanted. He didn’t care what the other mages thought of him. His carefree attitude had gotten him in trouble with the Templars a lot but it had also gotten him many kisses in hidden corners.

The Warden Commander had had to deal with the politics of running Amaranthine. His job had been simple in the Wardens. Go where you’re told, keep your companions alive and throw a fireball or two at the darkspawn. After merging with Justice and fleeing to Kirkwall politics still hadn’t been very important. The refugees needed a healer and Anders provided for them.

The only thing that had mattered to him for a long time was freeing mages from their unjust imprisonment. After his gender had started changing helping the Underground had been impossible. It was still not very wise now that his gender had settled for the time being. There still wasn’t much Anders could do until they knew if the curse had been broken or not. It would also be too easy for the baby to be hurt somehow.

His interest in mage freedom hadn’t waned despite not being able to do anything about it. If anything it was growing along with the child inside of him. Magic was in the blood, he was a mage and Hawke carried that magic as well even though he wasn’t a mage. There was a good chance that the child he had never expected to have would be a mage. It filled him with dread knowing that if things stayed the way they were it could be taken from him.

There would be plenty of time to think about what could be done however. Anders doubted Hawke would be taking him with on any of his errands now. Until the baby was born he’d be stuck in Kirkwall, either at his clinic or here with Leandra. He found this only slightly annoying…he didn’t want to take any chance of harming the only child he would probably have either.

For now he was content to watch Hawke and Leandra among the crowd and listen to Isabela making comments on the nobles’ attire to Merrill. Isabela and Aveline had both surprised him. They were actually wearing dresses though Isabela somehow managed to still show off quite a bit. Aveline was just as well dressed as any of the nobles. She looked as uncomfortable as Anders felt however.

“I thought Bethany was supposed to be coming?” Aveline asked suddenly.

“Supposed to be,” Anders grumbled. “She’s the only reason I haven’t gone to hide in my room yet.”

“Mother might notice if you disappeared entirely love,” Hawke said squeezing in next to him.

“My cheeks hurt from all that smiling,” said Anders irritably. “I just want to see Beth and then go to bed. It was busy at the clinic today and I’m tired.”

“When is she supposed to be here then?” Aveline asked. “I’d like to see her before I have to get back to the barracks.”

“Soon I hope,” Hawke said scanning the crowd.

“There she is!” Anders exclaimed happily.

Varric led her to the corner where their group sat. They all stood and Hawke was the first to step forward and give her a hug. When they were all seated again and all had a drink, Anders was allowed nothing stronger than tea and that suited him just fine, they talked. Bethany told of her life in the circle and was told of things that had happened since she’d been caught.

Aveline left soon after and then Bethany told them of a discovery she’d made. It was most likely a spell that caused Anders to shift genders. If it had been a true curse it would have been broken the moment Tarohne was killed. She hadn’t found anything about such a spell however. Anders was hopeful as he climbed the stairs an hour later though. Spells could be reversed and if the spell had been broken, it was possible to find one that could change him back to his proper gender.

***

The next three months passed by agonizingly slow for Anders. He hadn’t realized how much he’d enjoyed the little jaunts out of Kirkwall with Hawke until he was stuck in the city. There was always work to be done at the clinic and Leandra kept him occupied the days he didn’t feel well enough to go to Darktown.

He was now almost four months along and desperately sick of the clinic and Kirkwall in general. Immensely glad that the sick part was over, he wanted to go somewhere before walking became a chore. Even if it was just half a day up Sundermount or the first sandy stretch of beach on the Wounded Coast, he wanted out of Kirkwall for a bit. The lure of fresh air and something that wasn’t cold stone under his boots was almost overwhelming.

Anders was in their room, getting ready for bed determined to ask Hawke to take him somewhere. None of his dresses had been fitting right lately. They were too tight around his chest and his waist. As he pulled the dress off, he dropped it to the floor and stood in front of the mirror. Most of his clothes weren’t skin tight like the shirts Isabela wore, but they didn’t have much room for growth. He examined himself closely in the mirror.

He turned to the side and ran his hands lightly down the small curve of his once flat stomach. A smile slowly spread across his face as he ran his hands back up. Anders looked up at the sound of the door to see Hawke watching him as it shut behind him.

“Garrett,” Anders said smiling. “Look. I’m starting to show.”

“I see that,” Hawke said moving to stand in front of him. “I think we’re going to need to buy you some new clothes.”

“Soon,” Anders said seriously.

“Tomorrow soon enough?” Hawke asked as he pulled him into an embrace.

“Tomorrow would be great,” Anders said leaning on him with his arms wrapped around his stomach. “Garrett, could you take me somewhere?”

“Like where?” Hawke asked.

“Anywhere that isn’t Kirkwall. I miss going with you,” Anders said quietly. “I think I’ll go stir crazy if I don’t get out of here for a bit.”

“I think I can manage that,” said Hawke. “How are you holding up?”

Anders pulled away from him and sat on the bed. “I hate being short,” he said quietly. “I miss wearing pants, I miss my feathers…I miss me.” He’d done his best not to be miserable all the time but sometimes it was hard.

“I’m sorry love,” Hawke said kneeling in front of him. “I sort of miss you too.” He leaned forward, his hands resting beside Anders’ hips and kissed the center of that gentle curve. “But I’m excited too.”

“So am I love,” Anders said running his fingers through Hawke’s short dark hair. “I should be feeling the baby moving soon.”

Hawke stood and smiled as he pulled his shirt off. “That’s wonderful.”

Anders watched him get ready for bed for a moment before removing his own underclothes and slipping the night shirt over his head. It slipped down over one shoulder and he pulled out the middle in curiosity. There was plenty of room for the growing baby at the moment but it would probably be too tight as well at some point. He shrugged slightly before letting it go and crawling under the covers. Sleeping naked was nothing new for him at this point. Hawke curled up behind him with an arm thrown over him.

After breakfast the next morning Hawke took Anders shopping. They spent most of the morning looking through maternity dresses and took the ones they had bought back to the estate at lunch time. Anders put one of them on and they ate lunch. The afternoon was spent looking through shops that specialized in baby needs.

Leandra had taken him through these shops a few times but it was the first time he’d gone with Hawke. It was exciting and sobering at the same time to think they would need these things soon. They spoke of their hopes and fears. Anders discovered Hawke was hoping for a girl. It didn’t matter to him, as long as the baby was healthy.

Nothing was bought and they spent the rest of the day together at the estate. Hawke promised him a short trip out of Kirkwall soon and he went to sleep happy. The next few days Anders spent at the clinic. He still searched for some sort of cure and still he came up empty handed. A letter from Bethany was hopeful, however. She seemed to be following a good lead through the library. Hawke wasn’t having much luck at finding the three remaining books that Tarohne had written either.

The clinic was strangely empty today and Anders spent most of it going through one of his books. It was shortly after he’d eaten his lunch, brought by Bodahn that someone else finally came into the clinic. It wasn’t someone he ever expected to see here without being dragged behind Hawke. Fenris smirked as he stood leaning on the doorway.

“What do you want?” Anders asked with a frown.

“Nothing from you…abomination,” Fenris said mildly.

Anders stood, hiding his surprise, and gripped his staff tightly. “Then leave.”

“I thought I had it figured out,” Fenris said smugly, still standing in the doorway. “And then he disappeared and there was only you.” He stepped forward out of the doorway and toward Anders. “Why would the mage turn himself female I asked? She flirts, he’s just friends and now you carry Hawke’s child. It still took me far too long to figure you out mage.”

“What are you talking about?” Anders asked irritably.

Fenris took another step towards him and his smug smile turned to a snarl. “Does he even know that you’re really the abomination? I won’t let you hold this child over him for whatever evil plans you have.”

“Of course he knows,” said Anders angrily. “You think I did this on purpose?”

“Part of your plan,” Fenris sneered taking another step forward. “To make yourself look vulnerable and helpless to him. Was he not interested enough?”

“Come any closer and you’ll find out just how helpless I am,” Anders said grimly drawing on his mana.

“Stop Fenris,” said Hawke suddenly from the doorway. He stepped free of the doorway and settled his shield on his arm, slowly walking around Fenris. “I’ve known from nearly the beginning and you’ve gotten it all wrong. This was an accident. There is no plan, Anders didn’t do this to himself and we didn’t think he could get pregnant.” Hawke drew his sword and settled into a battle ready crouch. “I don’t want to hurt you. I understand why you hate mages but it’s wrong to lump all of them into the same evil group. I won’t let you hurt this one.”

“Why did he deceive the rest of us then?” Fenris asked suspiciously.

“Bethany has known from the very start,” Anders said. “Varric knows, Isabela knows and Merrill knows. What else was I supposed to do? I’d have been killed if the Templars had found me.”

“I find it hard to believe,” Fenris said slowly looking between them. “I will continue to watch you.” He turned suddenly and stalked out of the clinic.

Anders blew out a breath and straightened, letting go of the spell he’d been holding. He sat heavily in the chair as he said, “Maker I hate him.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing we’ll be gone for a few days,” Hawke said sheathing his weapon and putting the shield back in place. “It’ll give him a chance to cool off and talk with the others.”

“Where are we going?” Anders asked curiously.

“That’s a surprise,” Hawke said smiling.


	15. Chapter 15

After the clinic had been closed and locked up, Hawke had led him to Hightown. Packs were ready for them at the estate and they set off to the west. Anders enjoyed the walk even though he still had no idea where they were going. The sun shone brightly, there were birds singing everywhere, Hawke was by his side and most importantly he wasn’t in Kirkwall.

They walked most of the afternoon talking and laughing together before arriving at a cottage that sat a short distance from the coast. Waves lapped at the sandy beach in front of the cottage as Hawke opened the door. Anders glanced up at Hawke before stepping inside. There was only one room with a comfortable looking bed pushed against the far wall. A small table with two chairs sat next to the fireplace. The kitchen was nothing but storage and he noticed a grate that could be put over the fire to cook meals.

“You’ve been such a good sport about this whole thing,” Hawke said closing the door behind him. “You still work so hard for the refugees. I figured you could use a few days off.”

“I just wanted out of Kirkwall for a little while,” Anders said walking into the room and dropping his pack on the floor. “I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself.”

“I’m sure we’ll think of something,” Hawke said smiling. “Help me out of this armor and we’ll see what’s been left for us to eat.”

After getting his armor off and piled in a corner out of the way, it stayed there for two days. They ate a simple dinner and watched the sunset color the sky in shades of red and orange. The next morning they slept late, swam in the Waking Sea, explored the area and ate when they felt like it. Their worries were set aside as they simply enjoyed the other’s company.

On the third morning Anders lay underneath the comforter on his side with Hawke behind him. It was early still and he was only half awake, comfortable with Hawke’s arm draped over him. This was when he felt it, feather light and over too quickly. He was fully awake in seconds with his hand resting lightly on his small belly. Waiting patiently, he was very still listening to Hawke’s light snores behind him hoping the baby would do it again.

Anders smiled when his patience was rewarded, feeling the baby brush against him on the inside but not feeling it with his hand. It felt odd but it was reassuring to know that the life inside of him was growing. He turned to his other side and pressed light kisses on Hawke’s chin and cheeks, wanting to share this sudden happiness. Hawke moved slightly and found his lips while the arm he had over Anders ran slowly down his back to rest on his hip.

The lazy kisses and gentle caresses sent desire coursing through Anders. He found his hand running along Hawke’s side before he broke the kiss, sucking his bottom lip as he rolled onto his back. Hawke sat up, leaning on his elbow while his other hand worked under Anders’ nightshirt. His hand slid lightly up his thigh, resting a moment on his stomach before continuing up to his breast. Anders arched into his touch and Hawke leaned over, smiling before kissing him again.

Hawke began at his lips, kissing along his jaw and down his neck. Sucking lightly with each kiss, Hawke squeezed his breast gently before plucking at the nipple. Anders moaned softly and ran his fingers through Hawke’s hair, arching his back again before bringing his legs up. He spread his legs, one knee resting on the bed and the other against Hawke’s hip. Hawke sat up fully and smiled down at him. Anders smiled as well as he pulled the nightshirt up and over his head, throwing it to the floor.

Their small clothes soon joined the nightshirt and Hawke settled himself between Anders’ legs. With his stiff cock resting on the blonde curls of his mound, Hawke leaned over him and they kissed again in a lazy, passionate meeting of lips and tongue. Hawke took his time with kisses and caresses, setting Anders ablaze inside with want before finally entering his slick core. His thrusts were slow and shallow, while he bent and continued to kiss and touch.

Anders wrapped his legs around Hawke and urged him to thrust a bit deeper. He was in no hurry to end it but the tension built and Hawke kept him on the edge. Slowly he sped up his rhythm, kissing and pinching, licking and sucking. They were both panting and moaning when Anders finally fell over that edge, taking Hawke with him as his muscles clenched around his cock. They clung to each other for a moment before Hawke sat up.

“We should do that more often,” Hawke said quietly as he lay back down next to Anders. “A very pleasant way to wake up.”

“That was very nice…but it’s not why I woke you,” Anders said rolling onto his side and curling up next to Hawke. “I felt the baby moving.”

“That’s wonderful!” Hawke exclaimed happily. “Do you think I could feel it?”

“I think it might be a while yet…but soon,” said Anders, smiling as he closed his eyes. He soon fell into a sated doze.

***

Anders was well rested and happy as he opened the clinic the next day. Not even Fenris’ inexplicable presence could darken his mood. He showed up around mid-morning and sat on one of the crates in a corner. Fenris didn’t speak to him and Anders only glared at him for a moment before focusing on the woman that had followed him in. Anders kept an eye on him but Fenris just watched him take care of his patients.

This became a pattern over the next three weeks. The elf would show up and sit in the corner watching. He never spoke and left shortly before Anders closed down the clinic to go home to the estate. They didn’t speak to one another, merely watched. Anders wasn’t happy to have him there but as long as he showed no aggressive behavior he was content to let him sit there and watch. Fenris wasn’t going to catch him doing anything other than healing and reading after all. His patients soon ignored the elf but Anders didn’t, though he tried not to let Fenris’ constant presence annoy him.

The days Fenris didn’t show up, Anders suspected he was with Hawke. This was confirmed one night after he’d gone home. Hawke had found another of Tarohne’s books in the Viscount’s Keep. It was destroyed with the help of Varric, Aveline and Fenris. Hawke had told him that the demons and abominations that attacked them this time has been numerous and very strong.

The small protrusion of his abdomen had grown considerably and it was obvious when he took off his clothes and when he sat that he was pregnant. His voluminous skirts still hid his belly when standing or walking though. Anders felt the baby moving a lot more often. It was still new and every kick was exciting. He was sure the excitement would wane as the baby grew but he doubted his fascination with it would.

Anders had looked after many pregnant women during his long career as a healer. He knew what it was like to feel a baby kick from the outside, feeling the press on his hand. But this was different…this baby was growing inside of _him_. It was _his_ stomach that Hawke touched to feel that small evidence of new life every night when they went to sleep. Anders felt all of them and sometimes he found himself smiling.

Because Anders was determined to at least keep the clinic up and running for as long as he possibly could, he was sent lunch every day. Leandra usually sent Bodahn or Sandal down with a basket that contained a variety of food and there was often much more than Anders could eat. She had commented on his enormous appetite more than once. So far Anders had managed to deflect her questions but she made sure he was well fed.

Fenris watched silently from his corner as Bodahn left and Anders lifted the cloth from today’s basket. He took the two apples off of the top and turned to the elf watching him intently, realizing he’d never seen Fenris actually eat anything while he was here. The clinic was empty except for them at the moment and Anders decided to break their no speaking rule.

He tossed one of the apples and Fenris caught it easily, one eyebrow rose slightly as he turned it over in his hands. Anders smirked as he sat in his desk chair. “You watched him bring it. I couldn’t possibly have done anything to it either,” he said before taking a bite from the apple still in his hand.

“No, I suppose not,” Fenris said. The apple was turned over a few more times before he finally took a bite.

Anders dug through the basket, his apple having been chewed down to the core already, and pulled out a small chunk of cheese. “Have you found what you’re looking for yet?” he asked curiously.

“I have not seen what I expected to,” Fenris said after a moment.

“What do you think I do down here all day?” Anders said sarcastically. “Make evil plans and practice my laugh?” He smiled at Fenris’ irritated look and popped the last of the cheese into his mouth.

Their short conversation was ended there as three people came into the clinic. Fenris continued to watch and Anders continued to keep an eye on him as he took care of the people who came in. What he couldn’t eat from the basket was given to a group of Darktown’s children as he made his way home. The next day after Sandal left the basket Anders tossed Fenris a muffin but didn’t say anything. The elf remained quiet as well. This new pattern went on for almost a week before Fenris spoke again.

“Is this truly all you do?” he asked as he caught the peach Anders threw him.

“Tired of wasting your time yet?” Anders asked as he settled down into his chair. He rubbed his belly with one hand and smiled slightly as he felt the baby move before digging through the basket.

“I can be patient,” Fenris said after a moment.

“Suit yourself,” Anders said with a small shrug before he removed the cloth covering a sandwich he found at the bottom of the basket.

The rest of the day passed normally, the silence between them now familiar. When he arrived at the estate there was good news waiting for him. Bethany had finally found some information on the spell. He would have to wait until the morning to find out, however. She didn’t want to put it in a letter that could be found. That made him more nervous than going to the Gallows to speak with her. 


	16. Chapter 16

Anders waited in the shade in one of the overhanging sections in the Gallows. His staff had been left at the estate, it had never caused problems before but Anders didn’t want to take any chances. Hawke stood a little ways away speaking with one of the Templars in the courtyard. He ran his hands nervously over his belly as he waited impatiently for them to be allowed to see Bethany.

He watched as the Templar nodded and Hawke crossed the short distance between them quickly. “We have to go inside,” he said quietly. “They won’t let her come out here for some reason.”

Hawke took his hand and they followed the Templar into the Gallows. Anders took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He didn’t like being in the courtyard and following a Templar through a maze of hallways felt a bit too much like tempting fate at the moment. As long as he was careful they should let him back out.

They were led to a room and left to wait. There were a few chairs sitting in the middle of the small room and not much else. Anders sat but Hawke paced nervously. He wasn’t sure if it was seeing his sister again or where they were that was causing the warrior’s nerves. Anders thought that it was probably both. The door opened after a short wait and Hawke’s pacing paused. He moved quickly to embrace his sister when she appeared in the doorway. Anders stood and waited a moment before stepping forward to them.

“Brother,” Bethany said happily. “It’s so good to see you.”

“I’ve missed you Bethany,” Hawke said. He pulled away and smiled at her as he said, “It’s good to see you too.”

“Why won’t they let you into the courtyard?” Anders asked.

“They don’t want you two to run away with me,” she said turning to him. “Goodness! You’re a lot bigger around than the last time I saw you.”

“Like I could run very far with your niece or nephew making everything I do so awkward,” said Anders smiling. Bethany laughed as they embraced.

“What have you found Bethy?” Hawke asked quietly.

Bethany pulled away slightly and she turned serious. “I had to sweet talk First Enchanter Orsino into letting me search through the restricted section. I was getting nowhere with the other books. If she used the spell I’ve been researching, it’s Tevinter in origin. I found it in a history book of seriously weird spells and curses. It’s almost exactly what you’ve been going through.”

“Almost?” asked Anders.

“It was used on non-mage slaves. I say almost because the constant changing normally drove them mad fairly quickly. Maker only knows why they’d have used such a spell in the first place, but the practice was stopped when one of these poor people slaughtered his master’s entire household. The only slaves this spell was used on that didn’t go crazy were females who became pregnant soon after the spell was cast on them. In all of those cases the gender switching stopped. I haven’t read enough to know why they didn’t use the spell on mages.”

“Maker’s breath,” whispered Hawke.

“Why did they go mad?” Anders wondered softly. “Why not mages?”

“There wasn’t a reason for why but I figure they couldn’t handle it,” Bethany said sadly. “Remember how miserable you were when this first began?”

“Miserable and crazy are very different things,” said Anders. He turned away and sat on one of the chairs. “I had you and Garrett…and Justice. The spell has been broken…”

“We don’t know that,” Bethany said kneeling in front of him. She took his hands in hers and looked up at him. “Let me find out why the spell wasn’t used on mages.”

“Justice may be an important factor as well,” Hawke said putting his hand on Anders’ shoulder. “Don’t give up just yet love.”

There was a knock on door and Bethany squeezed his hands before standing to face the Templar that opened the door. “Time to go, your students are waiting,” the Templar said.

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Bethany said. She gave Hawke a quick hug and Anders stood as she turned to him again. “I’ll keep looking,” she whispered to him while she gave him a quick hug as well.

Bethany hurried out past the Templar and they followed him quietly out of the Gallows. Anders paid little attention to his surroundings. He hadn’t known what to expect but he didn’t think her findings would be so grim. Finding out that he’d escaped madness somehow and was most likely going to live out the rest of his days as a female had left him not knowing what to feel or think.

He followed silently where Hawke led him, a little surprised when they arrived back at the estate. Hawke paused in the foyer and wrapped his arms around Anders. “Why don’t you go up to our room,” he said quietly. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Anders nodded and pulled away from him reluctantly. Hawke stopped to speak with Bodahn and he continued up the stairs and into their room, resting a moment after he closed the door behind him. The bed was neatly made, the desk sat in the corner with its usual clutter atop it but it was his wardrobe that he went to.

Opening the door, he stared at the dresses hanging close to the front. He pushed them aside and knelt in front of it. Anders pulled a small trunk to the front and opened it slowly. Familiar feathers lay across the top, the coat folded neatly to fit inside the small trunk. The trunk and its contents had been brought up from his room in the estate a few weeks after he’d stopped changing genders every night. The coat and the other items in the trunk were the only evidence of his male self in this room. Everything else had been left in the other room. Running his fingers through the soft grey feathers he smiled slightly. No one understood the feathers. He’d been teased by almost everyone but he liked them though. It was a small reminder of who he used to be. He carefully pulled the coat out of the trunk and stood. Shaking it slightly, the buckles jingled as it unfolded.

Anders slipped his arms into the sleeves and settled the feathers on his shoulders. He stepped over to the mirror and stared at himself. It was too big for him now. The sleeves covered his hands completely and the bottom of it stopped at his calves. He heard the door and smiled sadly as Hawke appeared behind him in the mirror.

“I look like a child. It’s too big,” he said quietly. Anders freed his hands from the sleeves and tried to hold it closed. The edges just barely touched over his belly. “…and too small.”

“Are you all right love?” Hawke asked clearly concerned.

“I will be,” Anders said resting his hands on his belly, letting the coat fall open again. “It’s just…a lot to take in. At least I’m not crazy though.”

“Love,” Hawke said moving around in front of him. “There’s still so much we don’t know.”

“That’s what scares me,” Anders said quietly. “I can get used to this…I won’t like it…but I can get used to it. It’s…the mage thing that really frightens me.”

“You’ve been all right so far,” Hawke said soothingly cupping his cheek with one hand. “Try not to get too worked up.”

“Oh,” Anders said smiling suddenly. He took Hawkes hand and placed it on his belly so he could feel the baby as well. Hawke smiled and they stood there, feeling their baby move.

“Maybe she’s stretching,” Hawke said after a moment.

“Could be a boy,” said Anders. He leaned against Hawke. “I hope the rest of it isn’t too horrible.”

“Me too,” Hawke whispered.

They spent the rest of that day together. Anders was determined to not worry about what might happen. It had been months since the spell had been cast on him and the worst thing that had happened wasn’t really that bad. The baby had certainly been unexpected but he couldn’t think of it as bad. Even if he would be stuck in a female body for the rest of his life because of it, having sex had been his choice after all.

During the next few weeks he thought about the beginning of this experience often. He became certain that it was Justice that had kept him sane at first. Bethany and Hawke had certainly helped but it was the spirit that had urged him to tell them both the truth. Without their understanding and support Anders didn’t know what would have happened to him. It might have taken him much longer to confide in one of them without Justice.

Justice hadn’t been completely unaffected by this incident however. Anders noticed the spirit was calmer, less insistent. Perhaps it was because Anders was calmer. Things that had angered him before, such as blood magic and the things Templars were allowed to do, still make him angry. His cause was still very important to him. More important than before because he didn’t want his child subjected to the things he had seen and lived through. He was unwilling to risk his unborn child and Justice seemed to understand. For that he was very grateful.

Despite the new uncertainty Bethany’s information brought him, Anders’ life proceeded normally. He worked in the clinic most of the time with Fenris still keeping his vigil. The baby continued to grow and he still loved to feel it kicking. As the baby grew bigger, Anders began sitting more often. He was on his feet so often that sometimes he noticed his ankles swelling. Anders also began staying at the estate for one day out of each week to rest.

With just over three more months until the baby was due, Anders hoped nothing bad would happen. He hadn’t given up completely on changing back to his proper gender. Even if the spell had been broken there were too many unknowns.


	17. Chapter 17

Anders lay in bed a book open on his lap, a pot of hot tea on the nightstand beside him, a large stack of handkerchief’s on the bed beside him and a bin for unusable handkerchiefs on the floor next to the bed. An illness had spread through Darktown like wildfire. After he’d finally caught it, Hawke had marched him up the cellar stairs and banished him to bed. He’d been practically imprisoned in the bedroom for almost five days now. Meals were brought up and Anders thought that if, for at least a year, he saw another bowl of chicken soup he’d rather go hungry.

Hawke had stayed with him for the first day and the next. Anders had sent him away on the third day hoping he’d be allowed to at least wander through the estate but Bodahn and Leandra had both shooed him back to the bedroom when he’d tried. He felt much better now than he did three days ago. His runny nose had mostly stopped and the sneezing had stopped as well. The baby was incredibly restless and so was he.

He closed the open book and set it aside. Sitting at the edge of the bed, wearing one of Hawke’s nightshirts, he rubbed his belly trying to sooth the restless baby. His inactivity lately not only bothered him but also seemed to irritate the baby. Anders stood after it had settled a little and left for the privy. It was the only other place in the estate he’d been allowed to go, which was a good thing. His trips to that particular room were growing in frequency.

After he finished, he washed his hands and trudged slowly back to the bedroom. He stood just inside the doorway glaring at the bed. Instead of going back to bed, he closed the door behind him and proceeded to dress. Before leaving he tucked a couple of the handkerchiefs in a pocket. Anders hadn’t bothered with his boots. He might be able to get away with wandering around the estate now but doubted they would let him leave it.

Determined, he left the bedroom quietly and headed for the kitchen to find something to eat that wasn’t soup. He met no one on the way and the kitchen was empty. Anders stuffed a roll into his mouth as he passed the table on the way to the pantry. Chewing and swallowing the roll quickly, he gathered things to make a sandwich. Eating another roll, he sliced some bread and piled ham slices and cheese on it.

After inhaling the sandwich while he sat at the table, he put the bread away and downed a glass of water. Without the hungry gnawing of his stomach, Anders felt much better. He took an apple from the fruit bowl on the table and left the kitchen. Wandering around downstairs while he ate the apple, he wondered where everyone had gone.

Hawke was most likely on some errand or other and it was possible that Leandra was visiting friends. Bodahn and Sandal were usually around somewhere but he hadn’t seen either dwarf since Bodahn had brought up the pot of tea with his breakfast. Curious, Anders made his way to the main room downstairs tossing the apple core in a bin on the way.

He was looking through the letters that had been left on the desk for Hawke, hoping to find a note. There was a small commotion behind him in the foyer and he turned to see what was going on. Anders saw Hawke backing up into the main room wearing leather armor instead of the plate he usually wore. Fenris was on the other side of a rather large package they held between them. The dwarves entered after Fenris carrying smaller packages. Anders moved to stand in front of the fireplace and watched them curiously.

“Feeling better Mistress Andrea?” Bodahn asked as he crossed the room.

“Much better,” Anders said. “What have you brought?”

“The bassinet we were looking at,” Hawke said as he and Fenris set the package down. “Shouldn’t you be resting?”

“Oh I’m fine,” Anders said irritably. “I’m bored. And the baby won’t stop kicking me. What’s in the other packages?”

“Diapers, clothes, other things we’ll need in a few months,” Hawke said turning to him. “I’m glad you’re feeling better but I’d like you to stay here for a few more days.”

“I’m fine,” sighed Anders in exasperation. “Who’s the healer here anyway?”

“Please love?” said Hawke.

Anders groaned, knowing Hawke was only concerned. “As long as you let me leave the bedroom,” he said trying not to sound sulky.

Hawke smiled and Fenris shook his head. Anders followed them up the stairs to the bedroom. At least he’d have something to do for a while.

***

A few more days had turned into five. Anders didn’t think he’d ever been more grateful to be in his clinic. The morning passed quickly as the refugees and other residents of Darktown flooded through his doors. There was sympathy and concern before healing and gratefulness afterwards. They were happy he and the baby were fine after such a long absence and very glad he was back to work.

Fenris showed up around midmorning and Anders rolled his eyes when he had walked through the door. Not having to deal with Fenris was honestly the only good thing about the last week and a half. Lunch was quiet and the steady flow of people slowed as the afternoon wore on. As he wandered the clinic gathering dirty linen he finally grew annoyed with the silent elf constantly watching everything he did.

“Aren’t you satisfied yet?” Anders asked turning to him as he balled up a dirty sheet. “This is all I do down here.”

“No,” Fenris said crossing his arms over his chest.

“If you insist on bothering me the least you could do is help a little,” said Anders as he tossed the sheet into a very full dirty bin. Fenris snorted and remained seated. Anders sighed, turning to drag the laundry tub to an open area of the room. He did his best to ignore Fenris while he filled the tub and found his soap. Fenris watched him wash the linen, wring the excess water and hang the sheets to dry. The simple task made harder because he had to work around his growing belly. Half the bin was emptied by the time Anders was frustrated enough to stop.

The wash hadn’t been this irritating before he’d gotten sick. It was difficult to scrub the sheets because he was used to being a little closer to the washboard. It had been hard enough to get used to doing the wash in this female body because his breasts had got in the way. He’d gotten used to that but now his belly stuck out further than his breasts. Anders hadn’t had time to do washing of any sort before he’d gotten sick and was a little surprised at how much difference a little over two weeks had made.

On one hand it was a happy discovery because even though he’d been sick, the baby hadn’t suffered because of it. On the other it was frustrating because he couldn’t get the linen as clean as he’d like. He wondered how many other simple tasks would become irritating as the baby continued to grow. As he stood with his hands pressed to his aching back, he looked down at the dirty wash water and he knew he’d found another one.

The tub was much heavier when it was full of water. He doubted he could drag it to the drain and dump it without straining something. Anders looked over at Fenris for a moment and he looked passively back. He’d asked once and he wasn’t about to ask again. He settled for the slow process of emptying it one bucketful at a time.

With the tub finally empty, he left it in the middle of the floor and turned to Fenris once again. It was a little early to close the clinic but Anders decided that he ached in enough places. He wanted a nice warm soak in the large bathtub and a hot cup of tea. He smiled sweetly and gestured at the door. Fenris stood slowly and stretched as Anders walked around the clinic blowing out the lanterns.

Outside the locked doors of the clinic, Fenris was already halfway down the steps. “See you tomorrow then?” he called after the retreating elf. Fenris gave no reply, didn’t stop walking or give any indication he’d heard Anders at all. He scowled before blowing the outside lamps out and heading for the cellar entrance to home.

The next day Anders had about half of the remaining laundry done before Fenris showed up. He studiously ignored the elf as he helped the people that came and scrubbed dirty linen in between them. The tub was emptied the same way he’d done it yesterday when the wash was finally done. This time he left the tub upside down on the drain to dry. He then began folding the dry ones between patients.

Anders was extremely grateful when Bodahn showed up with his lunch basket. He slowly sat in his desk chair, stretching his legs and wishing it wasn’t a bother to lace up his boots. His feet and ankles were slightly swollen and he knew some of the other neglected chores around the clinic would have to wait until tomorrow. With one hand resting on his belly, he pulled the cloth off of the basket.

He took one of the rolls off of the top and turned to Fenris. The elf was impassive as ever as he held it out towards him. “My feet hurt,” Anders said in response to his raised eyebrow.

After a moment, Fenris stood and crossed the distance between them. He carefully took the roll and Anders turned back to the basket, digging through its contents until he found a sandwich. Anders was surprised to find Fenris still standing where he’d been, turning the roll over and over in his hands.

“Is it difficult?” Fenris asked suddenly.

“Is what difficult?” Anders asked.

“Being pregnant,” he said.

Anders narrowed his eyes and studied Fenris a moment before replying. He could detect nothing but curiosity. “It’s more annoying than anything. There are dozens of little aches, my feet swell and I have to pee a lot. Sometimes I run into things, or knock things over because I’m not used to my stomach sticking out quite so far.” Anders fell silent watching Fenris turn the roll over and over.

“Why don’t you complain about it? One of my neighbors whines constantly…loudly.”

“It’s temporary,” Anders said with a shrug. “And I do complain about it, just not around you.”

Fenris finally took a bite out of the roll and walked back to his corner without another word. For the rest of the day Anders did what he could at his desk between patients. He wondered at the odd questions but nothing more was said that day or the next. It was almost a week later when they spoke to each other again.

There were two young children in the clinic. Anders was keeping them entertained and safe inside the clinic while their mother slept on one of the cots. She had an infected cut that Anders healed easily but she had been exhausted. So he volunteered to watch her children while she rested. It was easy to keep them busy. They were curious, full of energy and were at just the right age that they wanted help instead of running around creating havoc.

The afternoon wore on with many questions and chores that he could have done quicker by himself, even with tending to the other people that came in. Before their mother woke, they both asked about his belly. Without being very graphic, he explained that there was a baby growing inside of his tummy. Both were skeptical but very happy when they got to feel the baby moving. It was almost time to close when their mother finally woke and they left.

Fenris had sat in his corner watching them all afternoon. The children stayed away from him without being told to and Anders had kept an eye on him just in case. When the children had their hands pressed to his stomach, Fenris had looked almost wistful. Anders had thought and finally came to a decision. Every one of their friends had had their hands pressed to his belly at some point or other, every one of them except Fenris. With Merrill and Isabela it was almost guaranteed that at some point he would be patted or rubbed.

Anders sat in his desk chair and turned to Fenris. “Would you like to feel the baby kick?” he asked.

“You would allow me to touch you?” Fenris asked suspiciously.

“Everyone else has,” Anders said seriously. “As long as you get rid of those claws you wear, I’ll allow it.”

He still looked suspicious but Fenris stood and slowly walked over to the desk, pulling the clawed gauntlets off and setting them on the desk. Fenris knelt down next to him and waited, watching him warily. Anders sat still, knowing the baby would move eventually. It took a few minutes and as soon as he felt the baby, Anders put his hand over the spot and said, “Here.”

Anders moved his hand and Fenris’ replaced it. A corner of Fenris’ mouth quirked up as the baby pushed against Anders and his hand. He stood abruptly when the movement stopped and stepped away. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“You’re welcome.”


	18. Chapter 18

Anders sat on the bed, hunched over, trying and mostly failing to lace his boots. “All right,” he said impatiently as he sat up. He flopped back onto the bed and stretched out, rubbing the top of his belly where the baby had been vigorously kicking him moments before.

“Are you ready?” Hawke asked poking his head into the bedroom.

“I’m terribly sorry Garrett,” Anders said sounding more happy than sorry. “It appears that I can’t go. The baby won’t let me lace my boots.”

Hawke sat on the bed next to him and smiled. It looked more than a little indulgent which only annoyed Anders. “I’m sorry Anders but I can’t let you get out of it this time,” he said patiently.

“You wouldn’t want me to trip over the laces would you?” Anders asked trying for sweet and innocent but ending up with more of a whine. “I suppose I could go barefoot.”

“How about I lace your boots and when we’re done we go find some shoes you won’t have to lace up?” Hawke said moving to the end of the bed. Anders sat up and scowled at him. “And just how is it the baby’s fault?”

“I can’t lean over far enough for very long,” said Anders. “The baby doesn’t like being squashed apparently. Every time I try she beats me up until I stretch out again.”

“She?” said Hawke looking up at him.

Anders shrugged before he went back to tying the laces on one of his boots. “Can’t keep saying ‘the baby’ all the time,” he said. “And no I don’t know for sure.”

“There,” Hawke said standing. He offered Anders a hand which he reluctantly accepted. Anders had managed to put off this little meeting he was being forced into for a couple of months now. There was just over two months left until he thought the baby would be born and he knew they would need a midwife but he still didn’t want to go see one.

There would be dozens of questions and plenty of prodding. He might even get a lecture for waiting so long to go see her in the first place. None of it was necessary. Anders checked himself regularly, he knew the danger signs and he knew everything was fine. Frowning as Hawke herded him to the door he said, “Do I really have to do this?”

“Yes we do,” Hawke said firmly. “You’re a wonderful healer but you can’t deliver the baby if you’re the one having her.”

Anders sighed as they made their way down the stairs. “I know that but we’re fine.”

“Love,” Hawke said as he stopped and turned a couple of steps down so that they were face to face. “I trust your judgment. I know you and the baby are fine but we’re going to need her. We need to be prepared when the baby comes. Too many things can go wrong.”

The concern that etched his features was touching. “I’m sorry, love,” Anders said leaning forward until their foreheads touched and he rested his hands on Hawke’s shoulders. “Healers aren’t the best patients.”

He felt Hawke’s arms around him, the embrace made a little awkward because of the baby between them. “Maybe we can find some of those pastries you like so much afterward,” he said.

Anders chuckled and said, “Resorting to bribery?”

“Whatever works,” Hawke said pulling away as he smiled. “Come on.”

Anders walked beside him, enjoying the day even though he didn’t like where they were going. Hawke had been going to see most of Kirkwall’s midwives before he’d started trying to drag Anders to the one he’d chosen. Even though she lived in Lowtown she came highly recommended. He knew that Hawke wouldn’t have picked this one if she wasn’t knowledgeable and reliable.

It was every bit as annoying as he’d thought it would be. He tried to be patient and let her do what she’d been trained to. After the poking and prodding that he’d expected was finished, the midwife confirmed what Anders already knew. He and the baby were both healthy and everything was progressing normally. She thought that Anders had a little less than two months until the baby would be born however. Anders was more inclined to believe her. She’d been doing this exclusively for years and likely knew more about that than he did.

She wanted him to come back next month. It would have been sooner but after he had told her that he was the Darktown healer she’d agreed to a month. She still admonished him for waiting so long to go see her though. If a problem appeared between now and the next visit she was to be sent for immediately. Hawke assured her that he would send for her right away if something happened and they were sent on their way with a smile and congratulations.

They had gone to a shoe shop afterwards and found a pair of hard soled slippers that he could wear without having to lace or tie up. After visiting the stand in the Hightown market that sold the flakey pastries Anders had become addicted to, the rest of the day was spent together. They wandered the streets and looked in shops, enjoying the sunny day and each other.

Anders wasn’t looking forward to going back to see the midwife but would endure it, for Hawke’s peace of mind and his own. Anders had to admit it made him feel a little better too. Knowing there would be someone who could help if something did go wrong was comforting since he probably wouldn’t be able to do anything. Knowing that there were many things that could endanger him or the baby during the birth wasn’t helping his nervousness about it any.

The next day when he’d gotten home from the clinic there was a letter from Bethany waiting for them. Her search had been slowed by a sudden influx of apprentices and might take a while longer. Anders had stopped looking after her first bit of bad news and tried not to think about it very often. There was no point in working himself up over something that might go wrong that he didn’t even know about. He had focused instead on keeping himself healthy, hoping to keep the baby healthy in the process. His patients had helped to distract him from dwelling on the unknown and Hawke was a constant source of comfort and encouragement.

Life was mostly normal for the next week. He tended his patients, ignored Fenris most of the time and Hawke continued to help the citizens of Kirkwall. His belly grew and he noticed that his back ached a little more often. He also had to rest to catch his breath on the stairs when he went home. With so much extra weight concentrated in one area he found it easy lose his balance and began walking slower.

It was during one of the slow trudges up the cellar stairs that he decided that he’d stay home for two days out of every week. As of right now he was unsure how long he’d be able to keep the clinic open. The healing wasn’t hard. It was the various chores that were becoming difficult and tiring.

He leaned against the cellar door in the estate for a moment wondering how much bigger he would get. Curiously he looked down at himself. His belly extended past his breasts by a good margin and he was unable to see his toes. It was no wonder he was tired and achy all the time.

Pushing away from the door, Anders made his way to the bedroom. After leaning his staff next to the door and kicking off his shoes he stood in front of the mirror. He put his hands at the bottom of his belly, pushing in his skirts, then turned to the side. His eyes widened in shock at how much he’d grown since the last time he’d actually looked. As he looked at the now familiar reflection, he remembered the first time he’d stood in front of a mirror.

Anders looked over his shoulder to make sure the door was shut then began working on the buttons of his dress. He let the dress fall to the floor and the breast band he wore soon joined it. He pushed his small clothes down at his hips. They were bunched under his belly since they wouldn’t fit over it. Wearing only his socks, he compared what he remembered to what he saw now. There was little difference.

His hair was longer, his breasts slightly larger and his hips maybe a bit wider. Running his hands lightly down the surface of the biggest difference, he remembered how much his reflection had bothered him then and how much it didn’t bother him now. Anders wondered when he’d gotten used to seeing this female version of himself. Had it been before the baby or after?

He heard the door and watched in the mirror, cheeks coloring slightly at having been caught staring at his own reflection, as Hawke moved to stand behind him. “Is everything all right love?” he asked quietly.

“Fine,” Anders said smiling as he leaned back against Hawke, liking the soft velvet of his house jacket against his bare skin. “I was just wondering when I’d gotten used to this body.”

Hawke smiled as he said, “Before this happened.” His large hands joined Anders’ small ones on his belly. He frowned as he looked into the mirror, his hands sliding to the bottom of his belly. “What are these?” he asked his voice slightly concerned.

Anders followed his gaze to the reddish lines that crept up the bottom of his belly. They started just above the line of curly blonde hair and ended just short of him being able to see them without the mirror. “Nothing to worry about love,” Anders said reassuringly. “They’re stretch marks, perfectly normal.”

“What’s causing them?” Hawke asked curiously.

“The baby,” Anders said looking up at Hawke’s reflection. “My skin can’t keep up with how fast the baby’s growing. It’s just another scar really.”

Hawke nodded. “I have one more question before I get to what I actually came in here for. Why aren’t you wearing anything?”

“To tempt you?” Anders said smiling.

“I don’t think so,” Hawke said also smiling. “It’s working though.” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Anders’ neck as one hand slid lower, cupping his sex.

“I was comparing,” Anders said tilting his head slightly and spreading his legs. He hadn’t been thinking of sex when he’d taken his clothes off but found it foremost in his thoughts now. The fact that Hawke still found him desirable even though the baby hindered them was an incredible turn on.

“Comparing what?” Hawke asked softly, his lips moving against his skin.

“The way I look now and…” Anders paused when he felt one of Hawke’s fingers push through his labia. “How I looked before,” he finished breathily.

A knock at the door startled them both and Hawke stepped away from him slightly. “I’ll be right back,” Hawke said, hiding the frustration Anders knew he felt very well.

Hawke stepped outside the bedroom door and shut it firmly behind him. Anders took a deep breath to still the excited flutters he still felt and bent over carefully to retrieve the dress he’d dropped earlier. He didn’t bother with the breast band or his small clothes, hoping dinner would be over quickly so that they could continue without interruptions later.

Most of the buttons were fastened when Hawke stepped back into the bedroom. “We’ve gotten another letter from Bethany,” Hawke said. “She wants us to meet her in the Gallows next week and she wrote that it’s important we don’t miss it.”

Anders frowned as he finished the last of the buttons. “Aren’t you going to Sundermount next week with Merrill?”

“Yes,” he said looking worried. “That leaves you to see her alone.”

“Who’s going with you?” Anders asked.

“Fenris and Isabela…That leaves Varric and Aveline,” he said thoughtfully.

“Does Aveline even know?” Anders asked. “Maker, she’s going to be furious.”

“We’ll tell her together,” Hawke said firmly. “I don’t want you going there by yourself and we can’t miss the opportunity to talk with Bethy.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this doesn't suck. *Closes eyes and crosses fingers*

Their conversation with Aveline went better than Anders had expected. It was more of a confession than a conversation. She sat at her desk, hands laced together in front of her and listened as Hawke and Anders explained everything from the beginning. He was slightly nervous when they finished. Her stern look hadn’t changed once throughout. It turns out that she, like Varric and Fenris, had also saw past their deception.

Aveline had figured out that Anders and ‘Andrea’ was the same person after they had left for the Deep Roads. She had been so busy cleaning up the mess the previous Guard Captain had left that there was little time and less inclination to call them out. After a brief lecture on trusting one another, mostly directed at him, Hawke explained their current problem.

The relationship between Anders and Aveline could only be called rocky at best. There had never been the antagonistic hatred between them that Anders shared with Fenris but she was pretty low on his list of favorite people. She had been married to a Templar and it showed but she didn’t hate mages the way Fenris did.

He hadn’t cared one way or the other about her presence before but was glad for her solid presence at his side today. Never before had he been so nervous in the Gallows. Even when he had come with Hawke to see Bethany before he hadn’t been this nervous. There was still a chance to run if he was discovered then but now there was no chance of that at all. He felt clumsy and slow, walking with that slight waddle pregnant women had.

Beside him Aveline tapped a finger impatiently on her armored bicep. Anders stood with his feet wide constantly shifting his weight from one to the other. Varric stood in front of them speaking with the red haired Templar that had sent Hawke a note about the escaped Starkhaven mages before the Deep Roads. It had been Varric’s carefully crafted tall tale that day that had saved those mages so it was only natural that he was their mouthpiece with Hawke gone.

Hawke had been very insistent that Anders didn’t enter the building when they came here. That suited him just fine but it was taking a while for Varric to work his own brand of magic to get Bethany in the courtyard. After watching them for almost twenty minutes, the Templar left. Varric turned and walked the short distance separating them.

“He’ll be out with Sunshine in few minutes,” Varric reported.

“It’s about time,” Aveline said irritably.

Anders shifted his weight again and tried not to look as impatient as he felt. The sooner they heard Bethany’s news the sooner he could leave this dangerous place. Thankfully it didn’t take very long. Bethany’s grim look wasn’t very promising, however.

“It’s good to see you,” Bethany said giving him a brief hug. She looked around cautiously and saw that no one was close enough to overhear. “The spell never worked on mages unless the caster was involved with a powerful demon. I discovered that some of the non-mages had been inadvertently implanted with demons and that’s why some of them went mad. Most of the mages they tried this spell on became abominations within moments but some never did.”

“Most,” Anders said thoughtfully. “What happened to the ones that didn’t?”

“I don’t know,” Bethany said frowning. “I couldn’t find anything else.”

“That’s what she was doing with the recruits,” Varric said lowly, almost to himself. “Implanting them with demons.”

“Does Justice protect you from demons?” Aveline asked.

“I don’t know,” Anders said frowning. “I’ve always thought it safer to assume not. Demons haven’t bothered me much since we joined though.”

“Tarohne was clearly working with demons,” said Bethany. “What did she hope to gain by using this spell?”

“A host,” Varric said. “She couldn’t have known about his extra passenger.”

“What happened to the demon then?” Anders asked. “Was it destroyed or turned loose?” His frown deepened. There were suddenly too many questions and not enough answers.

“I’m sorry Anders,” said Bethany sympathetically. “I’ll keep looking but I’m not sure I’ll find anything else.”

“It’s all right Beth,” Anders said trying to smile. “You’ve found out more than I have.”

She leaned forward and embraced him again. “You should go,” she said her voice becoming serious as she pulled away. “Tell Garrett I miss him…and please let me know when the baby comes.”

“I will and I’ll make sure someone does,” he said actually succeeding with his smile this time. “I’ll be a little busy.”

The laughter his comment produced was short lived and he was extremely distracted as Varric and Aveline escorted him home to the estate. He barely heard their goodbyes and thanked them absently for going with him. Anders spent the rest of the day in the study trying to make sense of what Bethany had found out.

It made sense that the creators of this strange spell wouldn’t use it on mages if they had to have a helping hand from a demon. According to Fenris blood magic was still illegal in Tevinter but the law was mostly ignored. This spell might have come from a time when that law hadn’t been ignored and it was evidence of collusion with demons at the very least.

Why the spell was created and how they had found out all these things about the spell seemed less important than what happened to the victims. The only reason he could think of for not being possessed immediately after she had cast it was Justice. The spirit didn’t know if he had inadvertently protected Anders or not.

After hours of pacing and thinking he was no closer to a solution than he had been when this first happened. There were simply too many things they didn’t know. He went to bed frustrated and spent most of the rest of that week similarly frustrated. The day Hawke was supposed to come back, Anders had a nightmare. He woke in a cold sweat, the sheets tangled around him with a feeling of terrified dread he couldn’t explain because he could remember nothing of the dream.

It took him at least an hour possibly two before he could calm himself enough to sleep. Hawke and the others came back two days after they were supposed to. Anders woke in the middle of the night, covered in sweat with the dread settled firmly inside each night. He couldn’t ever remember the dream which only worried him. When Hawke finally made it back to Kirkwall Anders worry increased.

All four of them were in terrible shape. Limping, bandaged and leaning on each other, they dropped onto the cots in the clinic. Merrill was hurt the worst, some of her wounds self-inflicted, but she was also the hardest to heal. Hawke was a close second. After he had healed the worst of their wounds Anders demanded to know what had happened to them.

They had found a cave the day they were to return home. Isabela had insisted on exploring it and they had found another of Tarohne’s books. Hawke destroyed it and the flood of demons, abominations and undead that had attacked them had nearly overwhelmed them. They made their way back to the Dalish and Keeper Marethari and the clan healer had spent two days putting them back together enough for them to make it back to Kirkwall.

Another round of healing and Anders moved them all to the estate. There were plenty of guest rooms for Isabela, Merrill and Fenris. What they all needed was rest and a bed was much more comfortable than his rickety cots. He didn’t tell Hawke about Bethany’s information or the nightmares, wanting to wait until he was completely healed and rested. Anders ended up telling Hawke that night anyway. He had the nightmare again and Hawke woke him out of it.

He still couldn’t remember anything of the dream but Hawke told him that Anders had been shaking his head and repeating the word ‘no’ as well as thrashing. Hawke became extremely worried after Anders had told him what Bethany had found, pointing out that the nightmares began after he had destroyed the fifth book. Anders didn’t want to think of what that could mean and it took several hours to go back to sleep.

With breakfast barely over, Hawke sent Bodahn for Varric and Aveline. Hawke explained to Isabela, Merrill and Fenris over breakfast about the nightmares and everything Bethany had learned about the spell. After breakfast they waited for the other two in the study. Anders sat next to Hawke rubbing his belly nervously. His broken sleep the last four days had him short tempered and irritable but he was also frightened about what they could mean.

Had this spell left him susceptible to demons in a way he hadn’t been previously? Or did it have to do with the demon that had helped Tarohne make the spell work? In either case, why had it taken so long? What did her books have to do with any of it? What would happen when they destroyed the last book? All these questions and more flowed through his troubled mind. He hoped that they could come up with a few answers between all of them. Hawke had gathered a diverse group of people and one of them might have the final piece of this puzzle that would make the whole picture clear.

Aveline arrived first and she was told about the nightmares. Varric arrived shortly after and they were both told of the fifth book’s destruction. After Varric was told about the nightmares everyone was silent.

“I’ve been thinking about those books since we talked with Sunshine,” Varric said after a moment. “She was implanting demons into Templar recruits. What if she didn’t write all six? Maybe she found one and got the idea from this spell she cast on Blondie.”

“The recruits were missing,” Hawke said shaking his head. “Wilmod was the first to return and no one mentioned anything about switching genders.”

“There were many who haven’t ever been found though,” Aveline said. “She could have been using them to modify the spell somehow so the implantation took without the gender switching.”

“Then why use the spell on me if she’d finally figured out how to do it?” Anders asked.

“Her demon told her to,” Fenris shrugged. “Perhaps it wanted a different host, one that wasn’t dying.”

“So why wait all this time?” Anders said in frustration. “Why didn’t it just take me then?”

“Perhaps the demon was sealed somehow and couldn’t,” Merrill said thoughtfully. “And the books you’ve been destroying have weakened that seal.”

“So what happens when we find and destroy the last book?” Hawke asked. “Will the demon be able to possess Anders?”

“If he’s present…maybe,” said Merrill.

“So we leave Anders at home and he’ll be all right,” Isabela said leaning forward in the chair she sat in. “Will getting rid of it make him normal again?”

“Why would it?” Anders asked frowning.

“It wouldn’t have worked without it…right?” said Isabela raising one eyebrow.

“According to what Beth found,” Hawke said slowly. “That’s correct.”

“That doesn’t seem very likely to me,” said Anders looking at Merrill.

“It might be possible,” she said skeptically.

“I suppose we’ll find out when we find the last book,” Hawke said. “We’ll just have to wait to destroy it until after the baby is born.”

Finding out that he had a persistent demon to contend with at night, who might be able to possess him because of this spell, sent his mood plummeting. There would be no hope of relief as long as he still carried their baby even if they did find the last book. Suddenly, the next month and a half couldn’t pass quickly enough.


	20. Chapter 20

Anders insisted that the four who went to Sundermount rest for a few more days before everyone began searching Kirkwall. He was cranky enough that even Fenris didn’t fight him very much. As soon as he was able Hawke began looking for the last book. At least three of their companions were always with him but Fenris still showed up at the clinic day after day.

They began searching through the warrens and tunnels of Darktown. It was an almost hopeless effort because Darktown was littered with caverns that led everywhere. Hawke was undaunted however. He wanted to find that book quickly. Anders continued to work in his clinic. His patients didn’t remark on his tired irritable moods. He figured they were blaming the baby, which certainly wasn’t helping.

It was hard to find a comfortable position to sleep in at night and he often tossed and turned for a while. The nightmares woke him every night and after he was calmed from that, the process of getting to sleep began all over again. As a result he began closing the clinic a little earlier so he could take a nap before dinner.

Things went on like this for two weeks. Hawke hadn’t found the book yet and Anders was seriously considering closing his clinic until after the baby was born. The stairs up to the estate from the cellar was becoming a monumental undertaking. He had to stop and catch his breath at least twice on the way up and his feet hurt near constantly from all the standing and walking he did. He had never considered himself in top shape but he wasn’t unfit in any sense.

The lifestyle of an apostate necessitated a certain level of healthiness but he had all the extra weight from the baby to carry around. The baby had continued to grow and was surely pushing on important things inside of him as well as throwing off his balance. All of that added to how tired he was Anders just wasn’t certain it was worth it.

Hawke had dropped him off at the clinic after they had visited the midwife again today. She had urged him to rest a bit more than he was currently but the baby was healthy. With only three or four weeks left she had also urged him to close the clinic until after the baby was born. It was afternoon now, and the clinic was empty save for himself and Fenris. Everyone that had shown up, Anders had told them that today would be the last day he was open for a while.

Most of them had wished him luck and they were all fairly understanding. Word must have spread quickly for the clinic to be so empty relatively early in the day. He was contemplating the long climb up the stairs while he sat in his desk chair. After a few jaw-cracking yawns, he decided a little nap couldn’t hurt before making the tiring trek up the cellar. Anders leaned over carefully and crossed his arms on the desk, resting his cheek on his hands and fell asleep quickly.

Shifting his head slightly, the scratchy feeling on his hand was wrong. Anders sat up slowly and yawned again before bringing his hands up to rub his cheeks. He froze at feeling stubble that hadn’t been there for over eight months. Looking down quickly he saw that even though his body was definitely male, his belly was still round and heavy with his baby.

“I must be dreaming,” he murmured as he looked himself over once again. He wore the clothes he normally would when his body was male, everything adjusted neatly around his belly.

“We are dreaming,” a familiar voice said from the direction of the doors in his clinic.

Anders looked up and over at Justice. He didn’t see himself or the corpse of Kristof but Justice as Anders had first seen him, an armored figure with a ghostly blue aura. “Justice,” he asked in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“It seems that the closer we are to the demon that plagues us, the more influence it can exert over your body,” Justice said from his position by the door. “We are being led to it.”

“Andraste’s knickers,” Anders said feeling a little panicked. “I have to wake up!”

“Momentarily my friend,” Justice said calmly. “The elf follows and we are still safe.”

“Why can’t I sense the demon?” asked Anders as he stood.

“I have been trying to protect you from the demon since the nightmares began,” he said placing one armored hand on the door handle. “I have finally arrived at a solution. When I exit this sanctum you will wake. Later when you sleep, come here and I will be able to guard your rest.” He paused to draw his sword. “After you wake, leave Darktown and do not return.”

“How?” Anders asked frowning slightly in his concern. “What’s going to happen to you?”

“I am not certain,” Justice said quietly. “This is the best chance to help find the book and we will have no peace as long as the demon lives. Our joining did not go as we had thought…I must do this…it is time.”

“Wait Justice!” he called out as the spirit opened the door and rushed out. There was a brilliant flash of blue light and Anders brought his hands up, squeezing his eyes shut. The last sound he heard was the door of the clinic slamming shut and he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Mage!” Fenris said loudly from just behind him.

Anders carefully opened his eyes and saw the sleeves of the blue dress he’d put on this morning. He brushed a hand quickly over his cheeks as he lowered his arms and was satisfied that he was awake when they were smooth. His hands went to his belly and he emitted a tiny sigh of relief when he felt the baby move.

“What are you doing?” Fenris asked suspiciously as he let go of Anders’ shoulder.

Looking around, he saw that they were no longer in his clinic but weren’t very far from it. He stood in front of one of the many trapdoors in Darktown that led to the caverns beneath. “The last book is through there,” he said quietly before turning to face Fenris. “What happened?”

“You fell asleep but soon stood and began walking,” Fenris said his voice cautious. “You didn’t respond to my calls so I followed you. How do you know the book is through there?”

“Because I’m the one it wants remember,” Anders said bitterly. “Go find Garrett and bring him here.” He brushed past the irritated elf and hurried in the direction of his clinic.

“Where are you going now?” Fenris called after him.

“Home,” Anders called back over his shoulder without stopping. Justice had told him to leave Darktown and he was going to do just that. It was frightening to think of how close he’d been to one of those blighted books all this time. He quickly blew all the lamps out in the clinic and paused to take one last look. Seeing nothing that he couldn’t live without, he grabbed the basket Sandal had brought down for lunch and locked the doors of the clinic behind him. With the outside lamps dark he hurried to the cellar and began the long climb up the stairs.

He tried calling to Justice several times for the rest of the day as he waited for Hawke to get home but received no answer each time. When Hawke did arrive at the estate it was late evening. He hadn’t gone down into the cavern Fenris had shown him but hurried home to see that Anders was all right. After Anders explained all he could they went to bed. Hawke would explore the cavern tomorrow and if the book was there, they would be waiting on the baby.

Anders was concerned as he tried to get comfortable enough to sleep. Justice’s silence was troubling but he could still feel the spirit. He made sure his last thoughts were of the clinic, hoping he would go back to the place Justice had prepared. When he did finally fall asleep, he woke in the morning after a full nights rest. He didn’t remember having any dreams.

Hawke went through the caverns and the last book stood on a pedestal at the back of the room. They left the book there and Varric locked and trapped the door so that no one could stumble into it and take the book. Anders spent most of that day napping in the study and worrying that Hawke wouldn’t find the book.

After Hawke came home that night, he confirmed that yesterday was a very close call. Anders sent him down to the clinic the next day for his kettle he used to make potions. For the next week, Anders spent most of his time brewing healing potions. If he couldn’t be there to heal them then he would make sure they had plenty potions that would.

All through that week Anders slept through the night peacefully and Justice didn’t answer any of his attempts to contact him. It was worrisome but he could still feel the spirit deep down, like when he retreated while Anders and Hawke were having sex. A week after falling asleep in his clinic, Anders went to bed wishing he knew what Justice was doing. He went to sleep with the clinic fixed in his mind and opened his eyes sometime later to find himself on his cot.

Like before, he looked at himself and found that his body was male and the baby still made his belly large. Anders rubbed his abdomen absently as he sat up trying to soothe the restless baby he could still feel moving. His area looked exactly as he had left it. Pushing past the curtains, the rest of the clinic looked as it had the day he’d fallen asleep at his desk. The lamps were burning low and strange shadows wavered along the wall. Flashes of bright light flickered through the high windows, banishing the shadows for moments before returning as the light died. Normally when he was alone in the clinic, as he was now, it was fairly quiet but now it sounded as if a great storm raged outside.

He maneuvered carefully around the cots and looked in the basket that sat on the desk, finding the apple and the muffin he had left. Leaving them where they sat, Anders made his way to the doors. There was no handle or lock on either of them. They were solid and felt like ironwood when he pressed his fingers to one of them.

There was a loud howling noise from the other side of the door and banging that rattled the wood in its frame. Anders took a startled step backwards. The dim lamps began to gutter and acting on a hunch, pressed both hands to the door. He cast a healing spell and smiled when the lamps burned brighter. A few more spells and they were as bright as he normally kept them. The banging stopped and the howling faded away, taking the storm with it.

“It’s you isn’t it,” Anders said his voice loud in the sudden quiet. There was no answer he could hear but there was one he could feel. Warmth that began at his hands, still pressed to the door. “You’re not alone. It can’t get past both of us.”


	21. Chapter 21

He woke the next morning feeling a little drained but confident that between them they could resist the demon until the baby was born. There was hopefully four weeks at most. Anders hoped it would be more like two or three. His belly was huge and he was miserable, even if he hadn’t had a demon to contend with he would have been miserable. He felt clumsier than he had ever been before and his belly got in the way of everything he did.

The inactivity he was forced into irritated him. He refused to go below Hightown. Lowtown might have been far enough away but Anders didn’t want to take any chances. The days passed slowly with Hawke hardly leaving his side. Together they discussed names and hopes for their child, both of them studiously avoiding the demon or the spell.

The nights passed almost as slowly. He was sure that when he slept he ended up in the sanctuary Justice provided but didn’t always wake there. As the days wore into one week and then two Anders woke there more frequently until the third week where it became an almost nightly occurrence. It was getting harder to keep the lamps bright and he knew that Justice couldn’t take much more from the demon. He didn’t want to think of what might happen if the spirit lost his strength completely and used every beneficial spell he knew to give the spirit some of his.

The third week was almost through as he prepared himself for bed one night. His back ached fiercely and he was exhausted, physically and mentally. Anders had been having sharp pains periodically since dinner but he didn’t dare hope they were real labor pains. It happened frequently enough during the last month to have him skeptical.

Getting comfortable enough to sleep was a challenge but Hawke’s solid warmth was soothing. Despite the pains, which were coming closer together, he did manage to sleep. It felt like there was little time between falling asleep and waking in the clinic. Anders sat through another of the sharp pains that made his back ache worse before hurrying to the doors of the clinic. The lamps were very dim as he began the slow work of healing Justice as the demon raged against him from outside.

Working between the contractions, they were definitely getting closer and worse, he only managed to get the lamps a few shades brighter before he couldn’t concentrate enough to cast anymore. “Hold on Justice,” Anders said to the empty clinic. “It shouldn’t be long now.” He leaned on the door and grimaced, holding his belly through another contraction. “I can’t stay,” he said when it finished. “Hold on just a little longer.”

The lamps flared brighter and there was a howl of frustration from the other side of the door. Anders smiled as he closed his eyes opening them moments later to find that he was still in bed. He gasped and waited out another contraction.

“Oh Maker,” he whispered. “And I thought cramps were bad.” Anders worked himself to a sitting position and looked around their bedroom. The fire had burned low but there was no sign of sunlight from the window. He shook Hawke, who still lay beside him sleeping peacefully. “Garrett. Wake up.”

Years of running and hiding before they had settled in Lothering had turned Hawke into a light sleeper. His eyes were open on the first shake and he was sitting next to Anders before he’d finished speaking. “What’s wrong,” he asked sleepy but aware.

“I think…oh Maker…” Anders said before his power of speech deserted him. He squeezed his eyes shut pressed his palms to his belly and tried to remember how to breathe as pain spread through his lower half.

“Is it time?” Hawke asked his eyes wide and worried. “How long has this been going on?”

“Since after dinner I think,” said Anders when he could speak again.

“Why didn’t you say something earlier,” said Hawke as he climbed off the bed.

“Scold me later,” Anders said watching him pull on a pair of trousers. “Just hurry.”

Hawke threw a robe at him before hurrying out of the room. Anders worked the robe on, absently noticing it was one of Hawke’s, and managed to tie it shut just under his bosom. As he scooted forward to the end of the bed another contraction made him pause. He heard the door and bare feet crossing the room and looked up briefly.

Leandra sat calmly next to him and began rubbing his back gently. “Garrett’s gone to wake Bodahn,” she said comfortingly. “He should be back shortly.”

“I am _never_ doing this again,” Anders said, breathing heavily when he could speak.

She smiled serenely as she helped him to his feet. “The first is always the worst dear. Let’s get you to the chair for a moment.”

Hawke was back within ten minutes and walked the length of the bedroom with him. Bodahn was back within thirty with the midwife. She scolded him for waiting so long and Anders tried to be patient with her. While Leandra helped the midwife prepare the bed, Anders explained to Hawke quietly that he would have to kill the demon quickly. Hawke’s reassurance that it would soon be done eased a little of his worry.

Even with the rush after he’d woke it still took hours of painful contractions until he felt the need to push. Anders was now lying at the edge of the bed, an absurd amount of blankets under him, propped up with pillows behind him, holding his legs wide open and Hawke beside him. The pains were near constant and he barely heard the encouraging things being said to him. He squeezed his eyes shut with every push, panting in between.

Sweat soaked hair was pushed away from his eyes and he could feel the baby’s head stretching him. He took a shaky breath and pushed again. Hawke squeezed his hand and he moaned as the baby tore him a little but sighed in relief as the worst was over. Anders opened his eyes with dawn’s light streaming through the window and he pushed again. He watched and listened as the midwife tied and cut the cord connecting them. The baby took her first breath and the cries that followed sounded beautiful to him.

“A girl, love,” Hawke said kissing his temple. “We have a daughter.”

Wrapped loosely in a towel, Anders smiled as she was placed in his arms. Her dark hair was plastered wetly to her head, eyes closed and her tiny hands curled into fists as she cried. Everyone else in the room ceased to matter as he gazed at the baby in his arms. Anders cradled her carefully, rocking gently as he looked up at Hawke. “Hurry Garrett,” he said tiredly.

Hawke kissed him again and lightly touched their daughters little hand still curled into a fist. “I’ll be back,” he said sliding off of the bed. “I promise. Please stay with them Mother.”

“Garrett, where are you going?” Leandra called after him as Hawke rushed out of the bedroom.

“He has to do something very important,” Anders said softly looking up at her.

“More important than this?” she asked skeptically.

“Yes,” said Anders looking back down at the baby. He smiled as her cries dwindled and she looked up at him, her eyes a bright blue. She wasn’t the largest newborn he’d seen but she wasn’t the smallest either. Using the towel he rubbed her dry as the midwife finished up with him. He was sore and glad for the blankets that had been piled under him as they were removed. He only had to lift his bottom slightly and scoot back as the pillows were moved to their normal position on the bed.

Leandra sat next to him and smiled as he struggled with a diaper. “Have you decided on a name?” she asked softly.

“We agreed on a first name but not her middle name,” Anders said. “Garnet.”

Anders managed to stay awake long enough to listen patiently to the midwife’s instructions. After Leandra helped him with the diaper, Garnet was dressed in a simple nightgown. He also managed to stay awake while he fed the baby. With Leandra sleeping in the chair next to the bed, Garnet sleeping peacefully on her back next to him, Anders finally let himself fall asleep…only to wake in the clinic after what felt like moments. The lamps were dim and a storm howled and raged outside. Barely noticing that his male body was normal, he rushed through the clinic to the doors. “Hurry Garrett,” Anders whispered.

Even though he was thoroughly exhausted, Anders pressed his hands to the door and began casting spell after spell. Light flashed through the high windows constantly and the howling rose and fell with the flickering lamps inside the clinic. Suddenly the howling stopped. It didn’t fade away like it had before, it was simply cut off. The light coming in through the high windows was soft, muted and familiar. Anders sank to his knees as the clinic dissolved around him and a figure coalesced in front of him, also on his knees still holding his sword and shield.

His armor was as battered as his shield, the tip of his sword was broken off and Justice heaved a tired sigh. “The demon has been summoned,” he said. “It is in his hands now.”

“Don’t worry,” Anders said smiling. “Garrett can handle a demon.” He held his hand out and Justice gripped his forearm after dropping his weapons. Anders closed his fingers around the armor of his old friend and they sat like that for a moment. “Thank you.”

“I must thank you as well,” Justice said. “Your help was invaluable.” Anders let out a startled yelp as the spirit yanked him forward. He felt Justice wrap him in an uncomfortable embrace before he gasped, “It is time we finished what was begun long ago.”

There was a brilliant blue flash and Anders fell forwards onto his hands as the spirit faded away. He watched as the soft blue aura that normally surrounded Justice covered him before slowly sinking inside of him. “What just happened?” he asked pushing himself to sit on his heels. “Justice?”

Anders sat for a moment and searched for his presence inside of himself. Instead of the knot of odd emotions that he had come to know as Justice, he found nothing. Anders couldn’t feel or sense the spirit as a separate being that shared his body. He could still sense Justice but he was everywhere within him.

“Finish,” he murmured curiously before smiling. “Finish our joining. This was how it was supposed to end up. One being…not two trying to tear each other apart. Thank you Justice.” Anders closed his eyes and slept peacefully.

Garnet’s quiet but insistent cries woke him sometime later. Anders sat up quickly but sleepily and turned to his daughter. “Shh, it’s all right,” he said reaching for her. The sound of his voice startled him. It wasn’t the higher pitched feminine version he’d gotten used to but the voice he’d been listening to for most of his life. One hand flew down his flat chest as his other hand felt his cheeks. Anders grinned when he felt the scratchy stubble he couldn’t ever seem to get rid of.

“I didn’t think it would work,” he said excitedly. He turned his attention back to the squalling infant beside him and immediately frowned. “You’re probably hungry. Shit. How am I supposed to feed you?”

“Try this first.”

With most of his attention on the baby, he’d completely forgotten that they weren’t alone. Leandra threw a diaper at him and arched her eyebrow. Anders smiled sheepishly and said, “I can explain.”

He talked quickly as he changed Garnet’s diaper, explaining the unbelievable situation as best as he could. Leandra remained calm and hardly batted an eye. “Garrett can confirm this?” she asked still seated in the chair beside the bed.

“Bethany can too,” Anders said as he picked up Garnet. She had stopped crying but was still fussing. “Has anyone tried to contact Beth?”

“I’ll write her a quick note for Bodahn to deliver,” Leandra said looking distracted. “Are you sure you can’t feed Garnet?”

“Why do you ask?” Anders said letting Garnet suck on his little finger.

“You seem to be leaking,” she said simply as she stood.

Anders looked down at his chest and found there was indeed a wet spot on the robe he still wore. Pulling his finger gently out of her mouth, he pushed the robe off of one shoulder. He was amazed to see moisture beading on his nipple. Deciding that they could figure out how he was still producing milk later, he carefully positioned Garnet and she was soon suckling quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is possible for a male to produce milk. It takes an amazing set of circumstances but it is possible. =)


	22. Chapter 22

Anders discovered that there was no pain in his back or in his pelvic region when he stood to put Garnet in the bassinet. After she was settled, her arms and legs still pulled in close to her body, he covered her with the blanket. He’d spent most of the morning after his chat with Leandra, sleeping while Garnet was also asleep next to him on the bed. Leandra had only left a few times, once to get a note sent to Bethany and a few trips to the privy.

She was currently in the kitchen, gathering them a lunch as they had both slept through it. Anders smiled as he straightened, yawned then stretched and made his way to Hawke’s wardrobe. It seemed odd to be looking at nearly the top instead of just above the middle of it. He wondered how often he was going to bump his head on things until he got used to his proper height again. Anders shook his head and dug out a pair of Hawke’s trousers.

Setting the trousers on the bed, he pulled off the robe and looked himself over curiously. His chest was swollen but only looked a little odd because he was still pretty thin. His stomach looked a little flabby and had a strange loose quality. It was only a matter of time before these two differences faded away. There was something left of what he had endured these months as a female that he would always carry. The stretch marks would fade like any other scar but they would always be there.

Like they had when his body had been female, they started just above the line of hair that surrounded his cock. They extended up to just below his navel and across his body from hip to hip. As he traced the angry red lines he wondered if his other scars had transferred the way these had. A knock on the door startled him out of his musings and he called out, “Just a minute,” as he hurried to pull on the trousers.

When he finished tying the laces Anders opened the door and Leandra set a tray on the bed. It was piled with sandwiches, fruit and a few fresh vegetables. They sat with the tray between them and Anders ate most of what she had brought.

“Why do you always eat so much?” She asked curiously.

“It’s a Grey Warden thing,” he said shrugging. “Are you really going to stay with me until Garrett gets back?”

“I think you’ll be all right,” said Leandra smiling as she stood. She walked over to the bassinet and he followed her. Together, they watched Garnet sleep. Her head was turned to the side, one little hand fisted next to her mouth and the other fanned out on her cheek. Leandra pulled the blanket back up to her chin and said softly, “She looks like you.”

“How can you tell?” Anders asked curiously. Her skin tone was closer to Garrett’s than his, Garrett’s dark hair and the bright blue eyes. He didn’t see much resemblance to himself at all.

“The shape of her face, she’s all arms and legs…Garrett and the twins were all a lot rounder than she is.” She gently touched the back of Garnet’s hand. “Her long thin fingers.” After a short pause she looked up at him still smiling. “I’ll be right down the hall if you need me dear.” Taking the tray with her, she left quietly.

“Thank you,” he said looking down at his hands. Anders sat on the bed, still looking at his own long thin fingers and was surprised by a yawn. There was little to do until Hawke got back and he realized that he was still exhausted. Lying down on his back with his fingers laced over his chest and his feet crossed at the ankle, he fell asleep confident that Garnet would wake him when she needed him.

It was Hawke who woke him however, with a caress to his cheek and a chaste kiss to his lips. “Anders,” Hawke said after his eyes were opened and trying to focus sleepily on him. “Thank the Maker you’re all right.”

“And back to normal too,” said Anders after a moment. “Well, mostly.”

“Mostly?” Hawke asked arching an eyebrow in puzzlement.

Garnet began crying before he could answer. Hawke turned and Anders sat up smiling. “You’ll find out in a minute. Go get rid of the armor.”

“I’ll be right back,” Hawke said moving quickly to the door.

“We’ll be here,” said Anders as he stood.

It was late afternoon. Anders had added another soiled diaper to the bucket and was seated in the chair nursing Garnet when Hawke returned. He smiled as Hawke paused in the doorway watching them, the question clear on his face.

“Yes I’m actually feeding our daughter and no I don’t know how or why,” said Anders as Hawke closed the door behind him. “I haven’t had much time to puzzle it out. I’ve been sleeping nearly all day.”

“I’m sure Mother can help us find an alternate method for feeding her if we need to,” Hawke said walking over to them.

“That’s good because I have no idea how long this will last,” Anders said shaking his head.

After a moment of silence Hawke said, “I didn’t think simply killing that demon would restore your proper gender…but I’m glad it did.” Hawke sat on the arm of the overstuffed chair as he spoke.

“I didn’t either and I’m extremely glad,” Anders said softly. “I fell asleep sometime after you left and woke like this. Garnet was crying…I was a little worried about how to feed her before your mother pointed out that I was leaking.”

“Dear Maker,” Hawke said frowning. “I’m going to get an earful for keeping this from her.”

“I’m surprised she hasn’t cornered you already,” Anders said looking up at him and grinning. After a moment he asked earnestly, “Is everyone all right?”

“Yes love,” said Hawke sighing tiredly. “It was a tough battle. We used most of the potions you made.” He smoothed her hair gently and smiled as he added, “Everyone’s waiting downstairs too. They all want to see Garnet.”

“Give me a few minutes,” Anders said also smiling. “I don’t really want anyone else to see this.”

“Take your time love,” said Hawke nodding in understanding. “We’ll be in the study.”

It took more than a few minutes for Garnet to finish. After rubbing her back to get rid of the air she had swallowed along with her meal, Anders set her on the bed long enough for him to pull on a shirt. He picked her up and cooed quietly as she fussed at the interruption to her nap and made his way to the study.

He stood outside the door, listening, before he opened it. Everyone was in there and from their conversation Anders thought they had all gone with Hawke this morning. Whether it was because they genuinely cared about him or simply because Hawke had asked them to, he was grateful.

Anders smiled as he finally opened the door. All conversation stopped and he was the center of attention. He stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him and looked around. There were curious stares, happy smiles and a smug looking Isabela. Anders turned so that they could see the newest member of the Hawke clan.

“Thank you everyone,” he said.

Hawke moved to stand next to him and put his arm around Anders’ shoulder. “Our daughter, Garnet Andrea Hawke.”

They were at the center of a sudden crowd as everyone gathered around them. For the next few hours Garnet was held and fussed over by everyone, including Fenris, and she slept through most of it. There was a general consensus that she looked more like Anders but he still didn’t see it. After she became fussy again Anders politely excused himself and retired back to the bedroom with her.

After she was dry and full once more, he settled her into the bassinet close to his side of the bed. Without bothering to undress or even crawl under the covers he collapsed on the bed tiredly. Despite sleeping through most of the day he was still exhausted. Constantly fighting a demon for a month had taken a toll.

He was mostly asleep when Hawke joined him sometime later. Waking only enough to let Hawke pull the covers over him, Anders fell back asleep almost immediately. When Garnet’s cries woke him again it was dark but the fire provided enough light to see. Hawke stirred sleepily but Anders soothed him back to sleep while he nursed their daughter.

It was late enough that his body would have probably changed genders if the spell hadn’t been broken. He was relieved that it was truly over. There was much that needed to be done. Andrea’s disappearance and his reappearance explained. Making sure Garnet would be fed if the milk he was producing dried up suddenly. Even his relationship with Hawke would need to be kept secret, at least for a while. All of this could be dealt with later. For now, it was enough that they were all alive.


End file.
